This post is for the July 2017 Carnival of Aces, the topic of which is “Ace-ing it up offline.” It has been cross-posted to Prismatic Entanglements.
I live in an area with very little (visible) ace presence. Although I have met other ace people around me, and I know there must be more I haven’t met yet, there is no real local community here, so my opportunities for meeting other aces have mostly been limited to a few short periods of searching online sites like Acebook and OKCupid, and pure coincidence. So far, the handful of meetings I have managed have only ever yielded shallow connections, as most of the aces I’ve met in person have ended up moving away less than a year after I met them (or after they came out to me as ace), as younger people in my area tend to do.
To date, past attempts to start ace meetup groups in this area have all ultimately fizzled out. Meetups in general just don’t tend to work out too well here, because the people who might attend are so spread out that any attempt to make a group is definitely going to inconvenience someone. Some of the people who want to attend live several hours away. There just isn’t a large enough, or connected enough, population to support a regular ace meetup group here. Continue reading
Okcupid is my favourite dating site or app because of its questions feature. Okcupid questions let you state your preferences and deal breakers and figure out how a potential date feels about the same questions before you’ve ever even talked to them. I like this feature so much I’m often tempted to ask dates I meet on other sites to make an Okcupid account just so I can browse their questions (I haven’t done this though, yet…).
In this post I’ll go over the basics of Okcupid questions, including a list of questions asexual people might want to answer. Since aces come to identify as asexual for a variety of reasons I’ve tried to be as broad and inclusive as possible, including questions that gauge interest in sexual behaviour, sex drive, sexual attraction, flirting, kissing, cuddling, bdsm and more. If there’s enough interest in a future post I’ll delve into more detail about how to best use the questions feature to your advantage. After you put in the initial effort I describe skimming a profile on Okcupid for basic compatibility takes about 30 seconds.
Have you ever been caught out by your own internalised prejudices?
One example for me is even as a girl that loves tech, I have approached a guy in a video games store to ask a technical question instead of a girl, only to be redirected to her because she knows more about that topic.
I have done the same thing with other asexual folks, assuming they would never be interested in kissing or cuddling or even sex because that was the dominant narrative I was used to hearing, even though it wasn’t even the one that matched my own experiences.
This is part of a series on tropes in fiction with ace characters. To link or follow this series, please use the “ace tropes” tag on this blog.
Relevant clip starts at 0:52. This scene from Shortland Street shows Gerald looking up “celibacy” and then clicking on a wiki about asexuality. In the next episode, he tells a doctor about it, who does online research of her own.
The most common way for people to learn about asexuality is to go to the internet. So when fictional characters do online research, it’s truth in fiction.
Are there any songs which you feel resonate with you as an ace?
I can’t think of any myself so I’m very curious about possible responses to this question. Songs that resonate most with me get me inspired to write, but are often based in feelings or dynamics I don’t experience myself.