Question of the Week: February 19th, 2019.

What’s the most cliched thing anyone has said to you about your asexuality?


Someone actually asked me if I’d had my hormones checked the other day. They said some insightful things like being curious how someone who identified as ace might responded if they did get an increased libido due to hormone replacement therapy but still, jeeeeeez


About astarlia

Astarlia is proud of herself for only having volunteered for..... okay if you have to stop and count it's probably too many things isn't it? She is passionate about nerd culture, disability and mental health, alternative relationships, sexuality, and young adult fiction.
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2 Responses to Question of the Week: February 19th, 2019.

  1. Katherine says:

    Ugh, the hormone thing. Just… asexuality !== libido. Attraction !== libido. How is this so hard for some people to understand? I can’t even… >_<

    When I came out to my sister she asked things like, 'how do you know you don't like sex if you haven't tried'. And she knew just enough about asexuality to be dangerous, saying 'you could still date someone romantically' even though I'd repeatedly framed part of my aceness as being disinterested in romantic partners (the lack of romantic and sexual attractions are pretty entwined for me) and had to use the label 'aro' to make her stop harping on the subject, which was incredibly frustrating to me as I was dealing with a lot of internalized amatanormativity at the time and was not comfortable describing myself as aromantic or using the SAM yet. She also implied I wasn't really queer since I wasn't a lesbian like she'd thought, which I didn't recognize until much later because I spent most of that conversation trying to end the conversation. There were a lot of ace and aro antagonistic cliches tossed around and I was never so happy to stop being in the car with her as I was that day. She's since improved, but the gatekeeping thing has never really been addressed and I'm sort of hoping that the next time the word queer comes up in relation to me that either I won't need to correct her or she will take being corrected gracefully, but… she tends to argue for the sake of arguing sometimes so I'm also dreading that potential conversation too.

    I'm not really out at work so mostly I just dodge questions regarding significant others and smile politely when people assume I'll be married and have kids one day. My friends were pretty cool with my coming out, though. (Wearing a purple dress with physics equations written all over it in white with gray leggings and black boots – "i just look so ace today, don't I?" I got punnier from there.) My parents are generally accepting too, though my dad veers towards a lot of amatanormative cliches at times. Sadly, he's the one my sister inherited the arguing for the sake of arguing thing from, so I tend to let his amatanormativity go so I don't wind up in a stressful argument that leaves me upset/crying even hours later. (Not that I don't wind up stressed anyway, but at least its not in tears levels of stressed.)

  2. demiandproud says:

    For demisexuality: “oh how romantic, you’ll only want to have sex with someone you really love.” That’s not how it works at all, but it’s the idea that seems to persist both inside and outside the ace community.

    Sexual attraction: any sufficiently deep affection or trust is enough. I’m far more likely to get attracted to a married friend than someone I’m dating. Yeah. Not so romantic, now, huh?

    A relationship: when I fall in love I have a small chance of becoming sexually attracted to that person. It’s a lottery with a high chance of making an allosexual partner in a regular relationship feel like they’ve been led on if I leave that option open. It’s also no guarantee that my willingness to consent to sex and my sexual attraction will overlap. So I’d have to negotiate whether I’m willing to have sex with someone to whom I’m not attracted. Or I can be infatuated and attracted to someone but uncomfortable because hey, not a lot of experience. Again, not so romantic, now, huh?

    For these and more reasons I’ve decided I’d rather aim for an ace relationship and avoid confusion. I hate the stigma of me somehow naturally saving myself. No. Just. No.

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