Question of the Week: December 11th, 2018.

What are some things that have made you feel really sure about being asexual?

For me it’s reading books where characters describe sexual attraction.  Their experiences are so weird and foreign to me, and yup, defiantly ace.

About astarlia

Astarlia is proud of herself for only having volunteered for..... okay if you have to stop and count it's probably too many things isn't it? She is passionate about nerd culture, disability and mental health, alternative relationships, sexuality, and young adult fiction.
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12 Responses to Question of the Week: December 11th, 2018.

  1. DasTenna says:

    1) One of the things that make me sure is the fact that I often don´t understand why characters in series or books behave and react in a certain way. It often feels as if there´s something missing because I feel no emotional connection.
    2) In conversations I often seem to be the only person to be confused and alienated by the high frequency of sexual jokes – and I seem to be the only one who even realises how high the frequency is 😉
    3) If a certain situation could be a flirting situation, I want to be elsewhere – irrespective of the person. Same goes for flattery which is either meaningless or confusing to me because it often feels hollow or even double-dealing.
    4) I still have to remind me that others didn´t just have sex to procreate and then stopped. I still have to remind me that others have sex at all.
    5) I don´t automatically sexualize behaviour, words or clothing style.
    6) I don´t get the relevance of mentioning how “good-looking” or “ugly” someone is in a normal conversation, when I didn´t ask for a person´s look. And IF I ask, I need and want something more precise (haircolor and -cut, height, figure, skincolor, etc.) instead of a subjective and meaningless “good-looking”, because it´s difficult to identify a person this way.
    7) And, as I mentioned above, terms like “good-looking”, “hot”, “sexy” and the like have no emotional connotations to me. They are even meaningless to me. I can´t imagine how a person described by these terms would look like. I could only say who was described like this by OTHERS.

  2. demiandproud says:

    Progressively losing the ability to see sexual subtext… and the interest to try. It made me very sure it was learned behaviour on my part, one that took an effort to keep up. I felt much more relaxed and true to myself once I could stop that.

  3. The relief I felt when I stopped trying to fit myself into the mold of a normative (sexual) relationship.

  4. Carmilla DeWinter says:

    I definitely had to learn more about sexual subtext than other people, but it is ingrained by now. So I can appreciate and even make sex jokes, though they wear on me faster than on others, I think.
    I also don’t quite get “sexy”/”hot” descriptors.
    Like DasTenna: Don’t try to flirt with me. I either won’t get it or will make the fastest possible exit. If you’re a stranger and want to be taken seriously by me, do not compliment me on being pretty, cute or sexy: I do not wish to know if anyone has sexual thoughts about me, however fleeting.
    As much ace as aro is probably the fact that I never had more than passing thoughts about my own future wedding as a child/teenager. (Unlike others I know. One kid was saving up for her wedding shoes at the age of ten. O.O) Those thoughts mostly ran, “Oh, nice, big ceremony plus party! — But you are going to be married after that, which, naah. Thanks, but no thanks.”

    • DasTenna says:

      I never dreamt of being in a partnership, too. I still don´t see myself as aromantic, partly because I fell in love twice and had an idea of how falling in love would feel like as a teenager and mainly because I desire to be emotionally and physically close to a person, but in a romantic way (kissing, stroking, cuddling, caring for).
      To me, a partnership is primarily a contract and doesn´t contain anything romantic. A partnership with a close friend is another thing. My idea of friendship is closer to the idea of friendship during the 19th and early 20th century (intimate, nearly romantic, emotionally close relationship that even could contain physical closeness) than to that of the late 20th and 21th century. What many others call “friends” (people they sympathize with and like to spend time with, but emotional closeness is exclusively reserved for partnerships), are mere acquaintances to me.
      Platoni-romantic you could call me.

  5. Mx. Dent says:

    I don’t know if it’s what made me certain–I’m still not 100% sure, but a description in a book was an ahha moment for me. The book in question is by an aro ace author but one of the characters is aromantic allosexual, and I was very much confused because the attraction that character felt toward another made me think that they were really alloromantic after all. And a moment later I realized that I had never felt actual sexual attraction. I think I had just spent a lot of time assuming that the attraction I saw depicted, whether sexual, a mix of sexual and romantic, or just romantic was all romantic. I’m a sex-favorable asexual and so it was really easy to assume that the allosexuals I saw depicted worked the way I did. (Apparently a lot of allos have trouble separating sexual and romantic attraction too, which doesn’t help).

    Following up on that, since a couple of other people have mentioned books, are there books by allosexual authors where the attraction is obviously sexual and not romantic? I’m really curious to see how they describe sexual attraction since, as I said, the book that got me start is by an aro ace and I’m not sure how accurate the depiction is. Of course, I have a feeling that I’ll pick up on that more now in places that I wouldn’t have before just because I am more conscious of there being a distinction.


    • luvtheheaven says:

      Foz Meadows says publicly that she is bi and genderqueer: (she pronouns here:) And I believe she’s allosexual bisexual but I don’t know for sure. Her book An Accident of Stars is a wonderful book with an allosexual aromantic character. It’s not explicitly sexual.

      I don’t know Anna Zabo’s orientation but they wrote another book I would recommend, this one only if you’re comfortable with explicit BDSM sex scenes though. Syncopation has an aromantic allosexual character as well.

      The other allosexual but aromantic character I’ve read is in a book written by someone who is definitely not allosexual themselves. Claudie Arseneault wrote “Baker Thief” and that’s what I read – she is asexual: . Still I think she wrote it very well. Also she created the ace and aro book database and you can let her know if there are more books she should be adding to it.

      All three of those books have varied point of view from chapter to chapter and some percentage of the time the allosexual aromantic character is the POV character. We see all 3 of them react to people they are sexually attracted to.

      What book did you read? I’m just curious now!

      • (Originally Mx. Dent before I created my wordpress account)

        It was Baker Thief that the led to my revelation. Not being allosexual I can’t be certain, but from what I’ve read it sounds like her description of sexual attraction is a bit off–it’s actually a lot like my experience of romantic attraction though. I gather that that difference is more than just swapping romantic and sexual interest in a person.

        I read the Foz Meadows book, though it wasn’t my cup of tea (it was a lot of book without much happening). But, as I think you were hinting at, we don’t meet that characters partners and so don’t so her attraction at work. (I haven’t read Anna Zabo – I’m not convinced I will. Not that I’m afraid of the BDSM, but in other respects, it’s less my thing–I’m more into sci-fi/fantasy which I why I read the two above).

        Since posting that I’ve read “Kitty and the Midnight Hour” by (as far as I know) allosexual alloromantic author Carrie Vaughn with an allo/allo main character. But it does have sceneswhere the main character has only sexual attraction for some characters without any romantic attraction mixed in. It’s definitely not anything I’ve felt, then again the sexual attraction is fueled in part by the characters being werewolves, so I think it’s exaggerated at a minimum.

  6. Rivers says:

    I know I’m ace every time someone is like “see that attractive person over there!”, and I literally have no idea who they are talking about unless they specifically point the person out. I also have no idea why this person is magically different than the other people around them. Also not realizing that actors are typically considered attractive. I know that on purely knowledge level that they supposedly are, but I don’t see it … at all. It’s very weird for me personally.

    As someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction, I can understand what it looks like, but I can’t intuitively know certain things on an experiencial level. It has to be learned, and it seems super weird. Like when people talk about their workout routines or flex their muscles to be flirtatious. Or in college when I was warned that seniors apparently like to go after relationships with freshmen. Stuff like that can seem really bizarre to me. If I think to hard about the concept of sexual attraction too hard (and it doesn’t gross me out (the concept) because I am sex-repulsed), then I actually find it really funny.

  7. Sennkestra says:

    For me, I think the thing that’s made me the most sure has simply been time.

    Asexuality/Aromanticism for me has all been about the rule of elimination – a best guess based on the fact that I hadn’t shown any signs of being gay, straight, or bi either. When I first started questioning my a/sexuality I was around 17 or 18, so I had a lot of worries that maybe I was just a late bloomer, or that I was just too nerdy and focused on schooling instead of paying attention to romance and would “bloom” after that. And it’s hard to really rule those out without the ability to predict the future.

    Now, though, I’ve had nearly 10 years of introspection, I’m far past the age when most people start experiencing attraction, it’s been several years since I graduated university, and I have a far more active social life – and still not a single whiff of sexual or romantic attraction. The fact that the label still fits after all this time has been the validation of younger-me’s intuitive identification that I really needed.

  8. One thing that’s made me really sure is experiencing sensual attraction. I’ve had the experience of wanting to kiss various women/girls since I was 14 years old. Despite this, I’ve never once had the desire to engage in anything sexual with them or anyone else ever. That has made me very sure that I’m asexual.

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