Question of the Week: December 4th, 2018.

Do you have any ace or other lgbtq+ family members? 

Everyone in my family is straight, cisgender, or closeted and hasn’t come out yet. I’ve never noticed before and only realized when I thought about asking this question today. I didn’t think I could be the only one so I even asked my mom in case I had any second cousins I forgot about or didn’t know who were queer, but it turns out I’m the only one.

About Talia

Talia is an asexual, nonbinary, vegan-feminist that drinks a lot of coffee and stays up very late playing Blizzard video games and writing fiction. They are working on a PhD in Environmental Studies where they think a lot about oppression as intersectional and impacting identities differentially. Talia has a particular fondness for asexuality, fandom, and Critical Animal Studies. Their personal blog is
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18 Responses to Question of the Week: December 4th, 2018.

  1. D. C. says:

    I’m an Ace, a romantic one at that, but I’m afraid of telling my parents because they are slightly homophobic, and might confuse them. However, I have a brother who is supportive of me, and acts like an Ace (but I’m not sure he is).

  2. luvtheheaven says:

    Well the only person I can think of who’s out is a gay uncle whose company I don’t particularly enjoy and his more likable partner of decades so he’s family now too even if he and my uncle still live at least half an hour apart from each other and nothing is formal. Even second cousins wise i don’t know about anyone else being anything other than straight and cis…

    • luvtheheaven says:

      I forgot I do have a first cousin who I think came out to me in May as some flavor of queer. And she’s such a lovely person that I wish I knew better, 7 years younger than me so 21 this year. Today I saw her for a second occasion since then and when I discussed what dating apps and sites I am planning to try soon, as a very out ace to my cousins with whom I was discussing this, and I mentioned having already tried and really not liked HER, she reacted to not liking the Her app too. She’s definitely queer and I… can’t believe I could so easily forget. XD But now I’ll remember…

  3. Sara K. says:

    I have a second cousin who is speculated to be gay, and presumably his father (my first-cousin-once-removed) ‘knows’ but is in ‘denial’, but AFAIK my second cousin has not come out to the family at large (I’ve never asked him myself because I want him to be in charge of how he comes out if he is in fact gay). I have some other cousins who I wonder about, but it’s not really my business unless they want to make their sexual orientation known (including the possibility that their sexual orientation is ‘heterosexual’).

  4. That Demi Mammoth says:

    My uncle is gay, and the only person I can think of who is out about not being hetero in my family, apart from me being demi.

  5. Katherine says:

    My Granddad on my dad’s side of the family was queer – my best guess is that he probably identified as either gay or bi – and was out for quite some time before he passed away, though it wasn’t really discussed with me or my sister when we were kids. He passed away when we were pretty young, so its not that surprising really.

    For now, I seem to be the only one in the family who isn’t straight. None of my cousins are LGBTQIA+ that I know of, which is a little disappointing since I’ve got so many of them. I’m not out to any of them, though, so it could be that I’ve got closeted family members I just don’t know about.

  6. Siggy says:

    Nearly none. I have a big Asian extended family, where my maternal grandparents had about a dozen siblings each, and I know many of them and their children, but I have had little indication that any of them are queer, despite me being very openly queer. There’s a first cousin, and a second-cousin-once-removed, neither of whom I know very well. So yeah. On the other hand, my fiance has like a family that’s over 50% gay.

  7. Satsuma says:

    Both of my siblings are queer, my older siblings Significant Other is trans & queer, and my godparents are both queer, so no shortage of familial queerness but I’m the only ace person (I am out to my family, though mostly only vaguely – they’re accepting but I’m not partucularly interested in having long discussions about the complexities of labels right now so)

  8. One of my parents has said they “wish they were born male”, “I think I’m a bit trans” and “I feel both male and female”. For a long time I’ve also suspected they may be queer orientation-wise as well because they’ve said a lot of things that to me indicate they are attracted to women, not sure if they’re attracted to men as well. They might also be ace and/or aroace because when I came out to them as ace I said I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone and they said they haven’t been either, they just married my father in order to have children (they’re divorced now). They’ve said growing up they did not want to get married and when I asked them whether they’d be mad if I never got married they said no, but then I asked if they’d be mad if I did get married but didn’t have any children and they said yes because why would I get married if not to have children? Now that they’ve been divorced from my father for 5 years they haven’t dated anyone (they would definitely tell me if they were/did) and they say that they don’t want to date anyone at all ever again and they’re happy single.

  9. Rivers says:

    I’m the only person I know of in my family (I’m a nonbinary aro ace who isn’t out). For the most part I’m sure I’m the only one (at least no one is open/out), but my younger brother shows signs of being a-spec as well. I also think one of my younger cousins might be queer as well, but I’m not sure.

  10. Nowhere Girl says:

    I’m pretty certain that I’m the rainbow sheep of the family.

  11. Carmilla DeWinter says:

    My closest family is small, so I’m the only one, I believe. (Someone might be bi and not telling?) One of my mother’s second cousins is lesbian, and another person who is perpetually single might be ace, but not out.

  12. Sennkestra says:

    One of my aunts (who I saw a lot and who used to help babysit us sometimes with her partner) identifies as lesbian; and I know that one of my dad’s cousins who I don’t know well is gay. Our generations and life philosophy were different enough that we don’t really do much “peer bonding” over it, but it was helpful to have older queer relatives in the family as it gave me a sort of early barometer to see how people would react to LGBT things (which is, they weren’t bothered at all, or if they were they got over it long before I came around).

    I don’t actually have a lot of cousins that are my own age, and none that live close enough to really get to know them well, but of the few I am in touch with I don’t *think* any of them are queer…but since we don’t interact much I honestly have no idea how most of them identify.

  13. Kamath says:

    I have three brothers – one of which is definitely straight, but the other two show all signs of being exactly as aroace as I am. (we haven’t talked about it, but we’re all past 30 and none of the three of us have ever dated or fallen in love.)

    There’s also my maternal grandfather, who came out as a trans woman two years ago, at age 81. She’s finally living as a woman like she always wanted.

  14. I have one first cousin who’s a lesbian, other than that potentially some closeted people but I don’t know for sure. I’ll be interested to see how my younger cousins turn out!

  15. Zoe says:

    I have a large extended family as my father is the youngest of ten siblings, all of whom have had two children and all but six of whom, myself included, are now having children of their own.
    As far as I’ve heard, a few of them have “dabbled” but didn’t find the “lifestyle” to be for them. Otherwise, there’s the possibility of closeted family, but nobody out as anything other than hetero and cis.
    I didn’t expect this to make me feel so out of place and lonely.

  16. Rachel says:

    I’m aro ace and my younger brother (and only sibling) is bi, which makes two-for-two on queer kids. If there are any other LGBTQ+ people in the family, then I don’t know of them.

  17. I get the impression that one of my uncles might be ace, but never had access to the term. He’s never been married and never really dated past the high school experimentation phase. He’s also apparently ultra-conservative, though, so there’s also the possibility that he’s gay and deep in the back of the closet. He’s also apparently said some rather anti-feminist, MGOTW kinds of things, so maybe he’s just plain terrible.

    Then there’s a pseudo-nibling who is probably genderqueer. I rarely see them and have never talked to them about it, so I can only go on what my mother says. Unfortunately, what my mother says is stuff like “She was a lesbian for a while, then grew her hair back out”, so… I have to try to piece together the picture of the elephant from descriptions like that, but it sounds like there’s definitely an elephant there.

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