Question of the Week: September 18th, 2018.

How do you describe asexuality to other people?

If I’m talking to someone who I suspect is allosexual I go with ‘you know that feeling when you look at someone and go they are hot id like to have sex with them? Well that literally never happens to me’

If I’m talking to someone questioning or who I think can cope with more nuance I like to use ‘the absence of sexual attraction without other sexual stimuli’ because I think that clarification of ‘sometimes you may feel sexy ways in sexy situations but that doesn’t make you less ace’ can be really helpful for sex favourable aces.

I know others also like to talk about the different types of attraction, though I tend not too unless it’s relevant to the conversation

What do you like to discuss when introducing asexuality to new people, or is this a topic you avoid?

About astarlia

Astarlia is proud of herself for only having volunteered for..... okay if you have to stop and count it's probably too many things isn't it? She is passionate about nerd culture, disability and mental health, alternative relationships, sexuality, and young adult fiction.
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4 Responses to Question of the Week: September 18th, 2018.

  1. demiandproud says:

    Hmm, phrases I tended to use for demisexuality are “that switch seldom triggers/gets flipped for me” “I can feel in love but desire only when Easter and Pentecost fall on the same day” “second base is home plate for me” and “I do not lust after others at all, and will only rarely want to have sex when I’m in love, so it’s easier to just… not”. The latter only to friends with whom I discuss it more in-depth.

  2. luvtheheaven says:

    I think usually I try to explain it as a separate orientation and then add how there’s a spectrum at the end of that basic explanation. So I try to make it clear it means you don’t find anyone regardless of gender hot, sexually attractive, sexy, and remind people that straight people relate if they don’t find their own gender hot, this just extends to all genders… I often might be sloppy in how I explain it, but I’ve gotten better at it over the years. I feel bad that I can’t explain the full nuance instantly and that wherever I choose to start might lead to a specific brand of misconceptions. Lately I’ve avoided explaining it much to many people, just state I’m asexual or doing things like attending asexual meetups, and leave it unexplained, or the only explanation I might give is that it’s a sexual orientation. That’s because I’m not talking to the kinds of people who ask any questions or need to rally instea understand more in depth. When they do need more I would explain about romantic orientations, the spectrum and how aces all experience things differently, how it’s complicated in many ways, and how i didn’t know it existed until I was 23 although it, in hindsight, explained a lot and was definitely always my truth and trying to be straight did not work at all for me – because I’m not.

  3. I have yet to come out to anyone who didn’t already have some idea what asexuality is… I’m working my way towards being ready to come out to people who (probably) don’t know about asexuality, but I’m not sure how I would explain it other than “not sexually attracted to anybody, but attracted to people in other ways.” And then I guess I’d have to explain what those other ways are…

  4. Talia says:

    It depends on how well I know the person and how eloquent I’m feeling that day.

    Sometimes it’ll be a long thorough discussion of the many ways people can be asexual, experiencing no or little sexual attraction, no or little sexual desire, and/or no or little interest in sex. I’ll say that people who identify as asexual may fall into one, two, or all three of the categories I mentioned. Asexuality could be lifelong, new, caused by something, caused by nothing, who knows. Or, because asexuality is so diverse, none of these categories may really encapsulate their experience.

    When I’m feeling candid and succinct I just describe asexuality as, you know how you can appreciate a tree that looks nice but you don’t ever feel damn I want to have sex with that tree? That’s how I feel about people. I use a tree as metaphor because most people can generally understand being disinterested or repulsed by trees (although I have met someone who was sexually attracted to trees, so not a perfect metaphor). I might also describe other reactions to the tree like being attracted to the tree but still not wanting to have sex with it.

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