Question of the Week: August 14th, 2018.

Would you ever consider being in a long distance relationship?

I’m used to long distance relationships but I want my next partner to be local. My furthest ex lives eight hours away by car. The ex I dated the longest moved an hour away after we’d been dating for a year. It’s been very rare that I date people who live under twenty minutes away and I forget this is actually the norm for many people.

Lately I ask online prospective dates how far away they live from me within the first few messages. If it’s not under thirty minutes I thank them for chatting and say it doesn’t work for me. My method works because even though I am very discerning, I usually date allo people and have a lot of options. I know how hard it is to meet local aces and I wonder if people who only date other aces or want a qpr would be more open to long distance out of practicality.

About Talia

Talia is an asexual, nonbinary, vegan-feminist that drinks a lot of coffee and stays up very late playing Blizzard video games and writing fiction. They are working on a PhD in Environmental Studies where they think a lot about oppression as intersectional and impacting identities differentially. Talia has a particular fondness for asexuality, fandom, and Critical Animal Studies. Their personal blog is
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9 Responses to Question of the Week: August 14th, 2018.

  1. Rivers says:

    Since I kind of just fell into my current relationship (a QPR and my first partnered relationship for context), I never had to really think about this kind of thing. I’ve never sought to date or be in a partnered relationship, so the only way for me to get into one would depend on an existing relationship (not partnered) evolving into one where we considered each other partners of some kind. This creates a much more likely probability of getting into a short distance relationship, but this is not the case.

    Me and my QPP have always had a long-distance relationship both when we were not dating/partners (roughly 16 years) and when we decided that we would consider ourselves partners (a little over 2 years). Although I wish we were closer, I personally don’t mind long-distance relationships, and it’s created a lot of good memories. I don’t regret it.

  2. My first (and only) relationship was long distance, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to do it that way again. Mostly, it put me in an unhealthy headspace, where I was spending all of my (mental) time waiting for our next Skype conversation, and not getting on with living my life in between.

    • Sasha says:

      Saaame. The rest of my life felt so boring and empty. And at the same time, it felt like they weren’t really part of my life in a day-to-day manner.

  3. Sasha says:

    My most supportive and wonderful ex lived on a different continent. In the end we broke up because of the distance, and while I don’t regret a thing, I don’t want to go through that again. I want to be able to cuddle my partner. I want them to be a part of my life. I want to introduce them to friends easily. As Controlled Abandon mentions, I don’t want to structure my day around messaging them. (6 hours time difference really suck…)

    Ever since then, I’ve been more careful about who I’m friends with, too. I fall in love (aromantically) really easily when it comes to my friends. It doesn’t feel at all like something that’s under my control. So I’m trying to control it at the friend level.

    I don’t know if I could say “I love you too but I don’t want a relationship with you”. I don’t even know what that would mean, how that would be different from our friendship. So my only option seems to be bailing on the entire friendship because it just became too supportive and important. That seems counterproductive.

  4. luvtheheaven says:

    Well it depends what you mean, but you count an hour away by car as long distance and I don’t think I exactly would, necessarily, think the same. An hour is not that much to me. I’m attached to many friendships and meetup groups that take a while to drive to. I commute over an hour to work. If I can see the person every week if that’s what we wanted, that doesn’t really feel long distance to me.

    It was nice when I dated my boyfriend 5 years ago, before I’d fully figured out my own asexuality, and he was in the same town and like 10 min from me, but it was nicer when I was with my queerplatonic partner despite it taking a while for either of us to drive to each other, probably 45 min, and often we went together to places that were additional not that short drives away. I felt in love with my qpp in a way I felt with my boyfriend, and waiting 6 months while he was on another continent for a deployment was doable too, because we knew we’d be together again soon enough. Because we had a shared plan to raise kids together, which implied living together and very much not being long distance one day, it was maybe different than other long distance relationships. And because we could message so much during the workday because of the nature of both our jobs and because he was always on the night shift, so basically was still on my time zone.

    It still was hard at times, not being able to be in person for 6 months straight, not being able to do some of the things I’d loved doing when we had been in person, going to a restaurant together, introducing him to certain friends or family, etc. But it wasn’t really that hard.

    His breaking up with me only days after he first saw me in person again really hurt a lot though. And it might’ve been harder because of how much I’d been counting on this or that to happen once we were together again in person, including some pretty important conversations.

    My only purpose with attempting to get back into dating now is to really try hard to a partner with whom to co-parent. So long distance seems ridiculous on some levels, but because my options are so limited when I’m kissing-averse and sex-averse, I would heavily consider long distance if the person seemed compatible other than that. After all, if it really seemed promising, one of the two of us could move. The idea of long distance as just a temporary thing feels very real.

    I would much rather find someone local, even within 2 or 3 hours, than start falling for someone in another country (I live in the USA and don’t even have a passport) and need to try to figure out just how compatible I am with a person that it’s THAT hard to visit that frequently. But. I’m trying to be open to possibilities here, lol.

    • luvtheheaven says:

      I tried to say “I felt in love with my qpp in a way I *never* felt with my boyfriend” – that’s why it was better with my qpp! Despite the distance.

    • Good point. I don’t think I would consider an hour’s drive as long distance either, as long as we did see each other relatively often. But a plane flight away, yes.

      • Patience says:

        Yeah, I think distance depends a lot on your circumstances. In high school two hours by train felt like much because neither of us had the time or money to take the trip often. Compared to my classmates who dated within our school, there were many things that I never got to do.

  5. Patience says:

    My so far only romantic relationship was long distance. Maybe not be American standards, but it felt that way compared to my peers. When we halfway moved in together it turned out that we wanted different things from a day to day life and we broke up.

    I’m not actively looking for a partner, but I’d prefer it if it was someone local so we could do more casual things together. However, if I click with someone, I’m not going to let distance be on obstacle to doing something that feels good.

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