Question of the Week: July 17th, 2018.

Does being ace affect you knowing which gender(s) you’re into? 

Assuming you want to cuddle, kiss, partner up, or do something with anyone at all.

Right now it feels like being ace makes it harder for me to tell what gender(s) I’m into. For me it always starts out as this big wave of “not interested don’t touch me” directed at everyone. Over time the repulsion ebbs and flows and I’ll still be “not interested,” but more okay with particular people. Eventually I may have some sort of vague attraction that could either be platonic or romantic. I don’t know what it is. Sometimes it turns into a romantic relationship. Sometimes it doesn’t. Which one happens feels more influenced by convenience or logistics rather than feelings.

About Talia

Talia is an asexual, nonbinary, vegan-feminist that drinks a lot of coffee and stays up very late playing Blizzard video games and writing fiction. They are working on a PhD in Environmental Studies where they think a lot about oppression as intersectional and impacting identities differentially. Talia has a particular fondness for asexuality, fandom, and Critical Animal Studies. Their personal blog is
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7 Responses to Question of the Week: July 17th, 2018.

  1. acekitten says:

    I am very aromantic, but to a lesser degree than my level of ace. However, I am seemingly very hetero-romantic, so I’ve assumed that meant that sexually I was ace (I currently identify as demi) with heterosexuality underlying.
    Now I’m not sure. I’ve always said that if I felt “that way” about a woman I would be completely into it, since it happens so rarely! Now I’m more aware that, for me, sex itself is not tied to romance. They are two very separate categories for me. With that knowledge, I believe I could very possibly actually be pan beneath my aceness…though then I struggle to define my level of aromanticism.
    Long story short: Yes! For me, it does!!

  2. Iraen says:

    For a while it was confusing since I found out I am grey ace by meeting the only one person which actually attracted me. Till then I was all right identifying as poly or pansexual. Then I found out what I thought was sexual attraction was in fact a mix of different things and that one person who did attract me was a male. So I was a bit weirded out by a possibility of being attracted by only one gender out of the blue. So yes, finding out being grey ace affected me a lot in this but I gave it a lot of thought and realized all my other attractions (sensual, aesthetic and sort-of-romantic) are pan and the one person is too little of a sample for the sexual part, so I still identify as pan when I am not identifying as grace.

  3. Siggy says:

    I think I always had some level of attraction to men, but it was below the threshold of being something I would ever consider or think about. Being ace changed that.

  4. I didn’t find asexual communities or discussion until I was 39. After learning about concepts like queerplatonic relationships I fairly quickly started feeling that I wanted to have such a relationship with a woman, but at first I wasn’t sure if there was anything “there”. Over the next few years I discerned a pattern of what I consider to be emotional attraction to women, but it’s still such a subtle or low-level feeling that I still wonder sometimes if there’s anything there and it’s hard to fit into discussions that mostly seem to assume gender preference comes from either sexual or romantic attraction. I am very definitely aromantic, there’s no question about that. I’ve used the term homoplatonic for a few years now, but am hesitant to identify as an asexual lesbian because that term seems like it’s mostly used by and for homoromantic asexual women and I don’t fit into that box.

    I don’t know if I experienced emotional attraction to women before I was 39 and just didn’t realize it, or if I didn’t experience it and how much of this was due to life circumstances which have since changed.

  5. Vesper says:

    with nothing instigating in me a desire for intimacy with people of any gender and social anxiety actively giving me reason to gravitate /away/ from people in general, it was (and is) all too easy for me to overlook and / or explain away whatever feelings i did (/do) happen to have for someone. simultaneously, heteronormativity told me to only take notice of my [lack of] feelings towards boys / men, while sexnormativity insured that it was my [lack of] sexual feelings specifically that got the highest prioritization if / when i noticed anything at all.

    all of that to say that yes, being asexual (among other things) has greatly affected (and continues to affect) my ability to notice any sort of gender-based pattern(s) that exist(s) for me regarding interest in people.

  6. Rivers says:

    For me, the feelings that I have are either platonic or aesthetic with some very rare non-sexual sensuality thrown in there. I find that because the type of attraction I have, what I want in a relationship (not romantic), and how autonormativity and heteronormativity have tried to push me one way, I find myself more likely to form closer ties with people who aren’t men.

  7. Yes, being ace made it hard for me to determine what romantic attraction actually was, especially since the number of people I’ve been attracted to (either romantically or platonically) is quite small. So at this point I know I’ve experienced romantic attraction towards men, but I’m still not sure if I actually experience romantic attraction towards women too or whether that’s all just platonic and/or aesthetic attraction.

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