Question of the Week: June 19th, 2018

Has anyone known or guessed you were ace before you told them?

I think some of my family members weren’t surprised because growing up and into my teens I was very uncomfortable and averse to talking about sex in any way. The ick factor stuck with me for a while (and still returns regularly). Friends and dates never have any idea until I disclose.

About Talia

Talia is an asexual, nonbinary, vegan-feminist that drinks a lot of coffee and stays up very late playing Blizzard video games and writing fiction. They are working on a PhD in Environmental Studies where they think a lot about oppression as intersectional and impacting identities differentially. Talia has a particular fondness for asexuality, fandom, and Critical Animal Studies. Their personal blog is
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10 Responses to Question of the Week: June 19th, 2018

  1. DasTenna says:

    My husband´s reaction was simple “That exlains a lot.” and one of my best friends wasn´t surprised either.
    With others, it was not that simple because they either had never heard of it, were quite ignorant (“Why does anyone need to make a fuss about their sexual orientation or what they do or don´t do in bed?”) or didn´t believe me and tried to “prove” me wrong by referring to me dating “the wrong” guys or having a child (which, by their logic, means that I WANTED to have sex at least ONCE *rollseyes*) etc.

  2. Katherine says:

    I think if my parents had known what asexuality was before I came out to them, they’d have guessed. They knew I wasn’t interested in dating and, aside from some awkward dad jokes, didn’t really care if I ever dated or not so long as I was happy being single. I never really felt like I had to come out to them either because they basically already knew, they just didn’t know there were labels.

    My sister knew asexuality was a thing, but she didn’t really understand what it – or aromanticism – really were so she guessed I wasn’t straight and went in a completely wrong direction.

    As for friends… they didn’t guess, but they weren’t surprised. One of my friends is ace too, and possibly grey-aro though he’s got way too much on his plate to deal with in other areas to give too much about what his orientation(s) are right now. (We basically came out as ace to each other in a mutual gripe-fest over our older sisters and their matchmaker tendencies.)

  3. I used to be best friends with this girl from the age of 7 up until the age of 12. After that we lost contact because me and my family moved to a different neighbourhood. Also, you could say me and her had a bit of a falling out. But this year I started going to university and she’s in my course! We’ve become friends again and we started talking. I rarely tell people I’m asexual due to bad experiences I’ve had in the past, I just say I’m bi and they usually assume the sexual part, even though I mean it as in biromantic. I told her I’m bi and she took it well but at one point she said that due to some things I’d said while growing up she thought that I might have been ace. I was absolutely shocked and so happy that she figured it out herself. I told her that yes, I am asexual! I was just scared to tell her. She was super nice about it and it was one of the best coming out experiences I’ve ever had.

  4. Zoe says:

    I’ve only had two people guess that about me and they were both on the spectrum. I’m not sure one of them counts because I was wearing my ace ring at the time (which is too heavy for my poor, hurt fingers to support anymore, sadly), but it was a really nice experience. We pushed our tables together at a restaurant so we could talk and she gave some great advice about dating as she’d been in a relationship with her boyfriend for two years and they were getting engaged soon.
    The other was at a screening my college had of that train wreck documentary about asexuality. We mostly huddled in a corner away from the allo crowd, who were all having a big wtf-fest over the fact that ace people exist and they were getting all the wrong ideas.
    Most people don’t really get it and it takes knowing me a while for them to really let it sink in. My dad still just makes stupid jokes about it and thinks I’m just confused. His favorite one being “Are you an asexual with a pea brain?”

  5. Owen Michael says:

    I realised in part because an acquaintance made a commenting assuming I was and was out, but other than that idk (I can think of a couple of comments that indicate some wouldn’t have been surprised).

  6. Sennkestra says:

    I have had people guess, but only in situations where there were a lot of context clues (like wearing a black ring outside of a room where an ace workshop is supposed to be starting in like 5 minutes, or carrying a flag to a pride parade.).

    That said, while no one has specifically asked “are you asexual”, I have gotten a fair amount of “well, in retrospect that was really obvious” and “ok yeah that’s not really a surprise”.

  7. sashablogsacestuff says:

    I flat out asked my dad, when I was a kid, “why do people have sex? That just seems awkward and gross.”. He spewed the typical bullshit but like, the signs were there…

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