How do you know if you want to be in a relationship with someone?
In Siggy’s recent post on gay coming out stories he writes that while crushes are a big part of coming to realize you are gay narratives “I knew I was ace when I understood what it meant that I didn’t have crushes on anyone. And then I knew I was gay when I understood that relationships don’t need to be built on crushes.” After reading his post I reflected on my past relationships and dates and thought about what feelings had let me know if I wanted to pursue people or stop seeing them. I didn’t come up with any clear answers.
I don’t know if I’ve had a crush. I think so? I remember being excited about people and I’ve had long term relationships. If I had to describe my feelings it would be like a trusted close friend that didn’t repulse me. We are so close I won’t freeze up if you touch my arm or kiss me. Way down the line I might even like it (but it’ll be more about my comfort and desire, not attraction). You don’t repulse me doesn’t seem like a great indicator for a crush but it’s the best I get. I am internally cringing at the thought that a past date might even read this and see the uncensored version of what I felt (can you imagine honestly saying this to someone’s face?). After two dates the marker to continue becomes doesn’t repulse me, doesn’t bore me, and I genuinely like this person exactly as they are (or seem to be). I rarely get past the two date point because very few people meet all these qualities. As I write this I’m becoming more skeptical that I’ve ever had a crush.