Question of the Week: February 20th, 2018.

What would you like to see aces in relationships talk about?

I’ve read a few comments saying ‘we see ace people talk about what kind of relationships they would LIKE to have, but not a lot talking about what kind of relationships they HAVE’

I am curious about how aces in relationships met their partners, and if they feel their aceness makes their relationships different to allohet relationships.  

Are there things you would like to see aces in relationships talk about more?  And are these idle curiosities or do you want to see us do some guest posts or qotw about this?

 

About astarlia

Astarlia is proud of herself for only having volunteered for..... okay if you have to stop and count it's probably too many things isn't it? She is passionate about nerd culture, disability and mental health, alternative relationships, sexuality, and young adult fiction.
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17 Responses to Question of the Week: February 20th, 2018.

  1. Laura says:

    Having just started a relationship myself with another ace, I think I would like to hear experiences that are similar to mine (such as: being greyromantic with an alloromantic partner, starting your first romantic relationship ever as an adult, dating long distance while ace, etc.).

    Also, I think a reason why people may talk more about relationships they want over relationships they have is that one or both partners may want to keep aspects of their relationship private and not fully discuss all the details online.

  2. Duckie says:

    I’ve been dating my current QPP/boyfriend since November 2017. He’s greyromantic bisexual. He asked me about my aceness when he noticed my pride pin on my bookbag. He respects the fact that I’m asexual, and will not pressure me into anything. I don’t think my relationship is very different from cisallohet relationships, as I have high romantic and sensual drives and we do things, just not sex. I met him at a trivia night in September, and we’ve been in separatable since. One of my favorite memories would be when his roommate and her boyfriend were having sex in her room, and we were singing New Rules by Dua Lipa in a bunch of off key voices in his room.

    • Rivers says:

      That’s really funny. It vaguely reminds me of the time me and my QPP/girlfriend had a balloon fight during the romantic slow dances at our prom (we did it off the “dance floor” so we weren’t in anybody’s way or anything).

  3. Rivers says:

    I do think I would like to see aces from all different kinds of relationships talk about their experiences. Examples of ace relationships seem so scare that it can be hard to get advice from other people. Also showing different aces in different relationships might help aces who don’t quite know what they would want in a relationship (if they do want a relationship of some sort) and give them some ideas and show how to navigate different boundaries. It would also highlight the difference in the ace spectrum and might help different aces understand each other more.

  4. Rivers says:

    As a romance and sex repulsed aro/ace with touch aversion, I didn’t really think I would ever want to be in a relationship of any kind. However, even though having a relationship with sex or romance was out of the question for me, I wasn’t too opposed to the idea of having some kind of queerplatonic relationship. Now that I have been in one for over two years (I honestly can’t remember when exactly we got together), I do know that it is something I definitely want in the future even if this one doesn’t last.

    My QPP happens to be my best friend, and since our families have known each other since we were both born, I can’t exactly remember when I met her. I also don’t remember exactly when we officially became QPPs because it was so incredibly casual. However, I do remember how we got together.

    It was just a couple of months after I came out to her as aro/ace (she’s straight, for context), and I for some reason, brought up queerplatonic relationships over text. I was just explaining to her what exactly it was, and she texted me back with something like, “That’s cool. We should totally do that.”.

    Although it was definitely something I wanted, I really couldn’t believe my eyes seeing as she was straight and doesn’t personally identify with anything queer (I’m an afab nonbinary aro/ace and she’s straight and cis, so we are definitely not the conventional couple). I guess it kind of worked out seeing as we are still together. It really was just a natural progression of our relationship, so it didn’t really seem like a big step for us, and now we are closer than ever.

  5. Cracticus says:

    I’m keen to hear more about aces in successful relationships. In particular I want to see more about relationships like mine (long-term, ace/allo, sexless and monogamous), anything that makes my relationship feel more normal. I would also like to see more discussion on quirks and difficulties aces in relationships might face that don’t relate to sexual (in)compatibility, such as touch (in)compatibility, supportive partners who just don’t quite get ace/queer issues. I’m sure there’s others but I can’t think of any right now.

  6. Siggy says:

    There’s not really anything I need to know about ace relationships personally. But I’ve been on the other side, where people have asked me about my relationship, especially when I used to be a panelist. It’s awkward, because on a panel I’m supposed to be teaching people general principles, and I don’t think the facts of my relationship serve that purpose. It really isn’t much different from an allo relationship.

    The question I would ask, purely out of curiosity, is how exclusivity and disclosure work in QPP relationships. If Alice and Bob are QPPs, and Alice dates Carol, how important is it for Alice to inform Carol about it? If Carol doesn’t really understand what a QPP is, how can Alice properly inform her, so she can make her own decision whether it matters to her?

    (In the SF Bay Area, there was a play, Can I Hold You? where this question was central to the conflict.)

    • Rivers says:

      That question is going to be pretty important to me personally in the future since my QPP does want to have a romantic relationship with somebody (and that’s not going to be me). I’m open to having an open relationship, but it’s a big question mark in my mind on how that would change our dynamic. Definitely something I would like to see explored.

  7. I’m a demisexual who’s in a relationship with an allosexual and although I’m quite sex favorable we still have our obvious differences. So I guess it’d be nice to hear more stories of people in similar situations and what kind of difficulties they face. Part of me wants to talk about my own experiences too if anyone wants to hear stories about these kind of relationships, but it’s all obviously very personal so another part of me doesn’t wanna share too much online, especially not without my boyfriend’s permission. I guess that’s also what makes it hard to find aces willing to talk about these kind of things.

    I think stories about sexless relationships might be much more needed though since they’re much less common.

    • astarlia says:

      we could definately post something like that anonomyously if you did want to share?

      • Ah WordPress didn’t show me I had a reply so I didn’t see this until now! I would be interested in doing a guest post or something at some point, but right now I’m not really sure what kind of things I’d want to talk about. Maybe if there are specific things that people would like to know more about I could try a Q&A style post? I’m just a little afraid the questions will be too personal and then I might back out… I’m not entirely opposed to the idea though, so who knows 🙂

  8. luvtheheaven says:

    Guest posts on a blog might be a great way to maintain a little anonymity which I think is a big factor for why people don’t want to talk about their relationships, while still spreading the word to tons of people who might be interested. Every type of ace romantic, sexual, or queerplatonic type relationship we haven’t heard enough about yet, especially not recently. A lot of blog posts I’ve sern on this type of topic are years old. I’m interested in all of it, in learning what nuance can be out there for specific aces and what they didn’t expect before getting into their relationship. I’m interested in how aces interested in nonsexual kink or nonsexual polyamory (or both) found partners and how they felt once in relationships. I’m interested in how sex-favorable aces feel their relationship is different (or not) from allosexual relationships (and not necessarily just allohet ones – other allo lesbian relationships compared to the one with an ace lesbian in it, all of that!). I’m interested if aces who are sex-favorable are ever dating sex-repulsed or sex-indifferent aces. I’m interested in more real examples of how queerplatonic partnerships work, especially with people over age 25, rather than just hypotheticals.

  9. I’m not currently in a romantic relationship (although I do want one) but I am in a queerplatonic Dominant/submissive relationship with a heterosexual grayromantic and romance-averse girl. We met exactly 10 years ago (this month is our 10 year anniversary) at a choir. We immediately became friends but we got closer when I was 12 and she was 11. After a while we naturally fell into the Dominant/submissive dynamic because we both enjoyed it. I enjoy pleasing her in every way, following her orders, “serving her”, I love it when she answers for me in front of others and makes all the decisions, and she loves all of it too. She’s also a sadist. I’m not a masochist but even though I don’t really enjoy the pain I still enjoy doing everything she wants me to and making her happy. I actually hate how sexualized these types of relationships are because I’m sex-repulsed and it makes me really uncomfortable when people sexualize me or our relationship. It doesn’t have a sexual or romantic aspect for us, it’s just our relationship dynamic. I enjoy it because I like giving up control to someone I trust unconditionally, I love feeling cared for and not having to think. I think she herself enjoys all the control she has over me. She’s generally kind of a control freak and she has told me she thinks she knows what people need better than they themselves know and that’s why she likes being the boss, because that’s her way of taking care of them.

    I remember that when she was 13 she told me that she doesn’t like boys. It’s always been obvious to me ever since we were kids that she didn’t “like” anyone, boys or girls. She would always get very confused when I tried to explain romantic feelings to her and whenever I told her about my romantic fantasies she would get really annoyed and would make fun of me. Now I know that she actually finds most romantic things gross and I feel bad about making her listen to me. After I realized I was asexual when I was 16 I also discovered the word aromantic and I told her the word and the definition and she responded that that was what she was. Nowadays she says she has experienced romantic attraction, it’s just very limited.

    I often think we’re kind of perfect for each other since I’m ace and she’s aro, so we’ve created our own kind of relationship that’s very special and central to our lives without being sexual or romantic. We both see ourselves as “relationship anarchists”, in the sense that we both believe that each relationship is unique to the individuals within it with it’s own unique rules and inner workings. Just because something is usually done by romantic partners it doesn’t mean it’s inherently romantic. The societal relationships hierarchy and people saying “this is how this type of relationship is “supposed” to be” is bullshit. We’re planning on living on together at some point and for a couple of years now I’ve been thinking that I’d love to raise a child with her because it seems to me she would be a great parent.

  10. demiandproud says:

    Honestly, what they feel comfortable with. The balance between privacy añd the sharing of experience is so personal… I love reading other people’s stories. I love the sense of community it gives. I also know I walk this line between honesty and vulnerability myself and I hate how I feel when I cross it. I don’t wish that on others.

  11. Aenyeweddien says:

    I’m missing stories from a bit older Aces. Somebody already mentioned 25+. I would love to hear stories of relationships formed after university/college times. “Adult world” seems to me so sexualized that I have no idea how to navigate in it, like the only child among all the super serious people with wifes and husbands… How do I even start searching for any relationship? So I would love to hear how people got to meet, how they got to talk about what their relationship is going to be, how hard/easy it was. Currently I quite strongly believe that older Aces have a very different experience, than the younger ones. The stories I hear most often are from people that are single and expect to stay single or from people that got into their relationships before recognizing their own asexuality. Ther’s that gap to be filled, but maybe such stories are very rare and that’s why we don’t hear them? And if so, then maybe we can discuss how to change that? Do we even want to change that?

    Or maybe stories of allo people over 30 or 40 could be something that, even as Aces, we could relate to? Just an idea I got, writing this comment. But maybe there’s a different problem than being asexual at play. A more ‘global’ one.

    And for creating an anonymous and respectful space for sharing such stories is very important. I am quite open about such topics, to my own surprise. Posibility of posting as anonymous guests here, would be good. But then context as place or age can be important and can make people feel still vurnelable, somehow identificable (did I spell that correctly?). And maybe some ‘rating’ of such stories? There are stories parents tell to their children about how they meet. There are stories shared beetwen good friends of the same age. And there are very intimate stories many people don’t want connected to them, sometimes hard to even type without intense feelings. All of them can give us experiences that we can relate to, it doesn’t have to be full detailed raport. We should be able to synchronize our expectations to what others are willing to share, so maybe such, a bit imagined, generalized audience target, would make it helpful to write and then easier to understand how much the author is willing to tell?

    I hope that at least something here makes sense. Sorry to be late with comment 😉 I’m quite interested in this topic, but I can’t share any stories of my own, I don’t really have them. Maybe I could find some failure story, but does anybody want to hear that? Sometimes I want to hear stories that didn’t work in the end. If such stories were accepted, I could tell you mine I think 🙂

    • astarlia says:

      Late comments are always read and still appreciated!

      I think there is absolutaly vaule in stories about ‘failed’ relationships. I also think that not all relationships that end are failures.

      You can email us if you like to do a guest post 🙂

    • luvtheheaven says:

      I, for one, would really love to read a guest post from you. Failures in relationships are valuable to understand too.

      I think you also make a good point about maybe things being not only hard in ace specific ways, but at a certain age being single becomes complicated for many many people, allo or not…

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