Okcupid Questions Asexual People Might Want to Answer, an Ace Dating Resource

Okcupid is my favourite dating site or app because of its questions feature. Okcupid questions let you state your preferences and deal breakers and figure out how a potential date feels about the same questions before you’ve ever even talked to them. I like this feature so much I’m often tempted to ask dates I meet on other sites to make an Okcupid account just so I can browse their questions (I haven’t done this though, yet…).

In this post I’ll go over the basics of Okcupid questions, including a list of questions asexual people might want to answer. Since aces come to identify as asexual for a variety of reasons I’ve tried to be as broad and inclusive as possible, including questions that gauge interest in sexual behaviour, sex drive, sexual attraction, flirting, kissing, cuddling, bdsm and more. If there’s enough interest in a future post I’ll delve into more detail about how to best use the questions feature to your advantage. After you put in the initial effort I describe skimming a profile on Okcupid for basic compatibility takes about 30 seconds.

Match Percentage

If you have an Okcupid account questions you’ve answered, and the questions the person whose profile you’re viewing has answered, determine your mutual match percentage. I’ll save how match percentage actually works for the more advanced post, but for now I’ll just say it’s generally useful.

I use match percentage in a few ways. When I log on to Okcupid I see anywhere from 0-10 new messages. If I have a lot of messages I won’t even check out someone’s profile if they’re below a 70% match. I answered my questions carefully so they’re very unlikely to be compatible (because they’re not friendly with my kind of ace or for some other reason). I also skim my visitors history by match percentage and will click on profiles above an 80% match. Finally, I sort the search feature by match percentage.

I only ignore match percentage when I am low on messages and can’t find any high matches I want to message.

Unacceptable Answers

When answering questions you have to answer for yourself and indicate how you want other users to answer. For example I answered that I’m a dog person, but I don’t care if someone is a dog person, a cat person, or both.

A more relevant example is an ace person might have no interest in sex. They should  answer the relevant question from my list below saying they would date someone with no interest in sex and mark as unacceptable someone who wouldn’t. They can then check out another user’s questions to see if that person would date someone with no interest in sex. Alternatively, an ace person might be interested in sex and answer the question to make sure their potential future date also is.

When you look at someone else’s answers anything that appears in black text is an acceptable answer. Anything that appears in red text has been marked as unacceptable by the other user.

You should answer at least 100 questions, but only questions that really matter to you. Skip all the questions like STALE is to STEAL and how gloves work; they get in the way of finding unacceptable answers and make your match percentage unreliable.

The first thing I do when I go to someone’s profile is check out what we thought about each other’s answers. You can sort questions by importance to you and importance to them.

A List of Ace-Relevant Okcupid Questions

Ace-Friendliness Commentary

Please note that the rest of the content in this blog post includes references to sexual acts, bdsm, and nonconsent. If you would like an altered list of theOkcupid questions so you can read them please let me know how I can filter them for you and I will do my best.

You can list yourself as asexual on Okcupid (which I actually choose not to do, maybe more on this later) but unfortunately many of the questions are not inclusive of aces. I think this negatively affects sex-averse, sex-repulsed, and sex-neutral aces most obviously. For some of the multiple choice questions there is no option to disclose that you do not want to have sex or do sexual acts. The questions in general suit sex-favourable aces, but they don’t make any distinctions that would highlight actually being ace (and make invisible that part of your identity).

I recommend answering the questions strategically and where appropriate including an explanation in the fill in box, but obviously that’s not ideal and for many of us this is a make-do with the tools at our disposal.

If you have an Okcupid account you can log in and click on the link to answer the questions I listed.

Interest in Sexual Activity

“Would you consider dating someone who has no interest in sex and experiences no sexual attraction to either gender if they were otherwise perfect?”

“Do you believe that regular sex is necessary in maintaining a healthy relationship?”

“Hypothetically, and if the lack of either wouldn’t affect your health, which would you give up?” Sex or sleep?

“Imagine you are very interested in a long-term relationship with someone. Would it be worse if they wanted you only for casual sex or if they were not interested in sex with you at all?”

“How important is it for you to help give your partner an orgasm?”

“Imagine that your partner does not enjoy performing oral sex and refuses to ever perform it on you. How disappointed would you be?”

“Do you enjoy giving oral sex?”

“Receiving anal sex?”

“Would you like to have someone strap on a dildo and put it inside you?”

“Would you ever engage in a sexual activity you didn’t enjoy, just because your partner did?” 

“Imagine you are having sex with a partner, who begins to give you specific instructions on how to best provide satisfaction. Assuming there is no danger, would you follow these instructions?”

“Imagine that you have a particular sexual desire you would like to satisfy with a significant other, but they are unwilling to help you fulfill it. How would this affect your relationship?”

“Imagine you become involved in a relationship with a someone who has a specific sexual fetish, without which they cannot be satisfied. If the fetish is harmless, but does nothing for you, how enthusiastic would you be about it?”

“If you’re in a relationship you expect will last for the rest of your life, is it important to you that it be the most satisfying sexual relationship you have ever had?”

Sexual Attraction

“In regards to people who meet your sexual preferences, is there a difference between finding them sexy and wanting to have sex with them?”

“Are you sexually attracted to any inanimate objects?”

Sex Drive/Libido

“How do you think your sex drive compares to what is typical for other people of your age and gender?”

“With respect to sex drive, which of the following has created problems in your prior relationships?”

“Do you masturbate?”

“How often do you masturbate?”

“Once you’re intimate, how often would you and your significant other have sex?” Unfortunately this question assumes that you will have sex at all. If you don’t want to have sex it is still worth answering to see if the other person marks every day or every other day. You can also put a more detailed response about your feelings on sex in the explanation box.

Negative Feelings About Sex

“How does the thought of someone masturbating with you in mind make you feel?”

“Do you feel guilty or bad after having sex?”

“During sexual activities you notice your partner staring off into space, bored. Do you stop?”

“During sex, if the other person looked like they had a serious psychological issue, would you stop the sex or keep going anyway?” 

“Would being in the same room with a couple of friends who are having sex bother you?”

Sexual History and Experience

“Are you a virgin?” 

“How old were you when you lost your virginity?” 

“In terms of sex, how experienced would your ideal mate be (with people other than you)?”

“How confident are you in your sexual abilities?”

Relationship Type

“Which of these options most closely describes what you’re looking for in your next relationship?” 

“Regardless of future plans, what’s more interesting to you right now?” “Sex” or “Love.”

“About how long do you want your next relationship to last?” One of the responses is “One night.”

“Would you consider having an open relationship (i.e., one where you can see other people)?” 

“Would you date someone just for the sex?” 

“Would you consider a serious relationship with someone who couldn’t have children?” 

“Would you consider being part of a throuple (a three person couple)?” 

While You’re Getting to Know Someone

“Say you’ve started seeing someone you really like. As far as you’re concerned, how long will it take before you have sex?” This is one of the first questions I check when I look at someone’s profile because a lot of people mark my answer as 6 or more dates unacceptable. I don’t care how many dates they want to have sex in, but if they mark my answer as unacceptable I won’t even reply to their message.

“How would you react if someone IM’d you and quickly started talking about sex?” 

“You’ve been chatting with someone and are hitting it off. They send you nude pictures of themselves. What’s your reaction?” 

“Do you kiss on the first date?”

“Would you consider inviting someone to bed with you for clearly-stated non-sexual purposes (e.g., cuddle and sleep only) on a first date?”

“Would you consider sleeping with someone on the first date?” 

“Imagine your date starts groping you in the car while you’re driving. Which would you be most likely to do?”

“Is it important to be friends before being lovers?” I imagine this question is pretty helpful for demi Okcupid users.

“Which makes for a better first date?”  “Coffee and chit-chat” or “Drinks and making out?”

“Would you need to sleep with someone before you considered marrying them?”

“Have you ever had sex with a person within the first hour of meeting them?” 

“Did you join OkCupid just so you could find people to have sex with?” 

“Do you feel that having sex with someone you have known less than one year would be too soon?”

Consent

“No means NO!” The options are “Always. Period.” and some very scary answers that condone sexual assault. To clarify this question is here to help users weed out people who don’t respect consent and doesn’t indicate that Okcupid as a site condones lack of consent, but it’s still pretty uncomfortable and possibly triggering.

“Do you feel there are any circumstances in which a person is obligated to have sex with you?” 

General Contact and Sexual Behaviour

“Do you like to cuddle?” 

“Is the idea of being kissed in the rain a turn-on or turn-off?”

“A few long, slow, deep kisses or lots of sweet little kisses?”

“Do you read erotic fiction?”

“Is it easy for you to achieve orgasm?”

“You are more likely to have an orgasm via” “Intercourse,” “Oral Sex,” “Masturbation,” or “Sheer force of will”

“Do you consider yourself sexually open minded?” 

“Would you be willing to engage in mutual masturbation with someone? You would be pleasing yourself and watching them do the same, but no touching each other.”

“How open are you to trying new things in bed?” 

“Which is better: sex without sleeping together or sleeping together without sex?”

“Do you prefer sex rough or gentle?” 

“In your ideal sexual encounter, do you take control, or do they?” 

“Orgasms are clearly the most important part of sex.”

“How would you feel about learning Tantric sexual practices?”

“Would you dump someone simply because they weren’t good at sex?” This could be a good question to gauge how important a person perceives sex.

“What is the most exciting thing about getting to know someone new?” One of the options is “Discovering their body.”

“Hypothetical: You are (romantically) interested in someone. After a few dates there is definitely chemistry. Since your last encounter, they’ve had a brief fling, but are still very interested in you. How do you feel?” 

“Have you ever owned sex toys?” 

“When it comes to sex, are you GGG (Good, Giving, and Game)?” 

“Do you enjoy meaningless sex?” 

Within a Relationship

“How are you most likely to show your partner you care?” One possible response is “Touch: Give them a hug, massage or kiss”

“I prefer to sleep…” The possible responses are “Alone,” “With my partner but apart (not touching),” “Touching my partner,” or “Embracing/cuddling my partner”

“What would be more likely to bother you in a relationship?” “Not enough space” or “Not enough affection?”

“Would you be comfortable masturbating in front of a partner?”

“Imagine you have a regular sex partner, but you cannot seem to help them achieve orgasm. Would this bother you?”

“Do you like the idea of having a partner bathe you?”

“Would you do a striptease for your mate?”

“How much communication is ideal during sex?” 

“If your partner needed lovemaking to always be gentle, would you be fine with this?” 

“Would you shave something you usually don’t because your partner asked you to?” 

BDSM and Kink

“Are you fetish-friendly?” 

“Would you consider dating someone who is much kinkier than you are?” 

Do you want your partner to be kinkier than you?” 

“If you found out the person you’re dating cannot achieve orgasm without being slapped hard across the face, would you be willing to satisfy them in this way?”

“How does the idea of being slapped hard in the face during sex make you feel?” 

“Teasing:” Some of the options are “Not so fun” and “Horrible, the work of evildoers.”

“Not including Halloween, do you enjoy dressing up in costumes?”

“Have you ever tried any sexual roleplaying?” 

“Would you rather…” “be tied up during sex,” “do the tying,” “avoid bondage all together,” or “sometimes be tied up, sometimes do the tying”

“Do you have a desire (even if it’s secret) to take part in sexual activities involving bondage?” 

“Blindfolds in bed:” 

“When having sex, do you like to have your hair pulled?” 

“If your partner had a foot fetish, would you include it in your sex life?”

“Biting?” 

“Being gagged during sex:” 

“If your partner wanted you to say a specific phrase during sex, would you?” 

“Would you be pleased if a partner expressed the desire to be sexually humiliated by you?”

“Would you like to receive pain during sex?” 

“Do you think you could ever enjoy being humiliated as part of a sexual experience?” 

“Do you enjoy it when someone uses refrigerated items or ice cubes on you during sex?”

“If a trusted partner asked you to submit to them sexually, would you? Assume that this would involve letting them collar you, command you, and have control over you during sex.” 

“Do you have experience being in a slave/master relationship?” 

“If a partner asked you to have sex in a sex shop booth with others watching, would you?” 

“Personally, is sex in a public place hotter than indoor sex?” 

“Are tears arousing?” 

If there are any Okcupid questions I’ve missed and are relevant to ace people please let me know so I can add them to the list 🙂

About Talia

Talia is an asexual, nonbinary, vegan-feminist that drinks a lot of coffee and stays up very late playing Blizzard video games and writing fiction. They are working on a PhD in Environmental Studies where they think a lot about oppression as intersectional and impacting identities differentially. Talia has a particular fondness for asexuality, fandom, and Critical Animal Studies. Their personal blog is petuniaparty.tumblr.com
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2 Responses to Okcupid Questions Asexual People Might Want to Answer, an Ace Dating Resource

  1. astarlia says:

    Would love to hear you thoughts about why you don’t identify as ace on okc.

    • Talia says:

      The short version is putting I’m asexual on a dating site doesn’t share the information I want to convey (that I only experience no sexual attraction). Even well meaning people likely misunderstand. I always disclose before a first date or on a first date and have so far had no problems. The disclosing actually reinforces my position; I usually have to talk them through my asexuality, even if they’ve heard of asexuality before. It sucks because I’d like to say I’m asexual up front but strategically I’ve chosen not to. Maybe others would want to do this depending on how they experience asexuality. Maybe not. Having a conversation rather than giving a label up front seems to work well for me.

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