Okcupid is my favourite dating site or app because of its questions feature. Okcupid questions let you state your preferences and deal breakers and figure out how a potential date feels about the same questions before you’ve ever even talked to them. I like this feature so much I’m often tempted to ask dates I meet on other sites to make an Okcupid account just so I can browse their questions (I haven’t done this though, yet…).
In this post I’ll go over the basics of Okcupid questions, including a list of questions asexual people might want to answer. Since aces come to identify as asexual for a variety of reasons I’ve tried to be as broad and inclusive as possible, including questions that gauge interest in sexual behaviour, sex drive, sexual attraction, flirting, kissing, cuddling, bdsm and more. If there’s enough interest in a future post I’ll delve into more detail about how to best use the questions feature to your advantage. After you put in the initial effort I describe skimming a profile on Okcupid for basic compatibility takes about 30 seconds.
If you have an Okcupid account questions you’ve answered, and the questions the person whose profile you’re viewing has answered, determine your mutual match percentage. I’ll save how match percentage actually works for the more advanced post, but for now I’ll just say it’s generally useful.
I use match percentage in a few ways. When I log on to Okcupid I see anywhere from 0-10 new messages. If I have a lot of messages I won’t even check out someone’s profile if they’re below a 70% match. I answered my questions carefully so they’re very unlikely to be compatible (because they’re not friendly with my kind of ace or for some other reason). I also skim my visitors history by match percentage and will click on profiles above an 80% match. Finally, I sort the search feature by match percentage.
I only ignore match percentage when I am low on messages and can’t find any high matches I want to message.
When answering questions you have to answer for yourself and indicate how you want other users to answer. For example I answered that I’m a dog person, but I don’t care if someone is a dog person, a cat person, or both.
A more relevant example is an ace person might have no interest in sex. They should answer the relevant question from my list below saying they would date someone with no interest in sex and mark as unacceptable someone who wouldn’t. They can then check out another user’s questions to see if that person would date someone with no interest in sex. Alternatively, an ace person might be interested in sex and answer the question to make sure their potential future date also is.
When you look at someone else’s answers anything that appears in black text is an acceptable answer. Anything that appears in red text has been marked as unacceptable by the other user.
You should answer at least 100 questions, but only questions that really matter to you. Skip all the questions like STALE is to STEAL and how gloves work; they get in the way of finding unacceptable answers and make your match percentage unreliable.
The first thing I do when I go to someone’s profile is check out what we thought about each other’s answers. You can sort questions by importance to you and importance to them.
A List of Ace-Relevant Okcupid Questions
Please note that the rest of the content in this blog post includes references to sexual acts, bdsm, and nonconsent. If you would like an altered list of theOkcupid questions so you can read them please let me know how I can filter them for you and I will do my best.
You can list yourself as asexual on Okcupid (which I actually choose not to do, maybe more on this later) but unfortunately many of the questions are not inclusive of aces. I think this negatively affects sex-averse, sex-repulsed, and sex-neutral aces most obviously. For some of the multiple choice questions there is no option to disclose that you do not want to have sex or do sexual acts. The questions in general suit sex-favourable aces, but they don’t make any distinctions that would highlight actually being ace (and make invisible that part of your identity).
I recommend answering the questions strategically and where appropriate including an explanation in the fill in box, but obviously that’s not ideal and for many of us this is a make-do with the tools at our disposal.
If you have an Okcupid account you can log in and click on the link to answer the questions I listed.
Interest in Sexual Activity
“Imagine you become involved in a relationship with a someone who has a specific sexual fetish, without which they cannot be satisfied. If the fetish is harmless, but does nothing for you, how enthusiastic would you be about it?”
“Once you’re intimate, how often would you and your significant other have sex?” Unfortunately this question assumes that you will have sex at all. If you don’t want to have sex it is still worth answering to see if the other person marks every day or every other day. You can also put a more detailed response about your feelings on sex in the explanation box.
Negative Feelings About Sex
Sexual History and Experience
“About how long do you want your next relationship to last?” One of the responses is “One night.”
While You’re Getting to Know Someone
“Say you’ve started seeing someone you really like. As far as you’re concerned, how long will it take before you have sex?” This is one of the first questions I check when I look at someone’s profile because a lot of people mark my answer as 6 or more dates unacceptable. I don’t care how many dates they want to have sex in, but if they mark my answer as unacceptable I won’t even reply to their message.
“Is it important to be friends before being lovers?” I imagine this question is pretty helpful for demi Okcupid users.
“Which makes for a better first date?” “Coffee and chit-chat” or “Drinks and making out?”
“No means NO!” The options are “Always. Period.” and some very scary answers that condone sexual assault. To clarify this question is here to help users weed out people who don’t respect consent and doesn’t indicate that Okcupid as a site condones lack of consent, but it’s still pretty uncomfortable and possibly triggering.
General Contact and Sexual Behaviour
“You are more likely to have an orgasm via” “Intercourse,” “Oral Sex,” “Masturbation,” or “Sheer force of will”
“Would you dump someone simply because they weren’t good at sex?” This could be a good question to gauge how important a person perceives sex.
“What is the most exciting thing about getting to know someone new?” One of the options is “Discovering their body.”
“Hypothetical: You are (romantically) interested in someone. After a few dates there is definitely chemistry. Since your last encounter, they’ve had a brief fling, but are still very interested in you. How do you feel?”
Within a Relationship
“How are you most likely to show your partner you care?” One possible response is “Touch: Give them a hug, massage or kiss”
“I prefer to sleep…” The possible responses are “Alone,” “With my partner but apart (not touching),” “Touching my partner,” or “Embracing/cuddling my partner”
“What would be more likely to bother you in a relationship?” “Not enough space” or “Not enough affection?”
BDSM and Kink
“Teasing:” Some of the options are “Not so fun” and “Horrible, the work of evildoers.”
“Would you rather…” “be tied up during sex,” “do the tying,” “avoid bondage all together,” or “sometimes be tied up, sometimes do the tying”
If there are any Okcupid questions I’ve missed and are relevant to ace people please let me know so I can add them to the list 🙂