Question of the Week: July 4th, 2017.

How much interaction do you have with aces offline these days, and would you want more or less interaction?

The closest I’ve gotten to another ace offline in the last few months was a guy I’ve gone on a few dates with said two of his exes were ace. I remember feeling a strange kind of yearning. It was like meeting aces by proxy: we were intermingling and yet irreconcilably far apart.

I didn’t ask about the ace people he’d dated because it was too early to pry about exes. Instead I wondered to myself, why wasn’t I meeting aces? Where had this straight man met so many? I’m open to dating aces, but that’s not even what this is about. Where can I find them for friends? I’m sure there are ace events in the big city over from me that I’ll get around to exploring, but the thing about ace exes that got me was the proximity. It would be nice to have one of those friends that lives ten minutes away, can show up to binge watch Netflix at 1 am, and who also happens to be ace.

About Talia

Talia is an asexual, nonbinary, vegan-feminist that drinks a lot of coffee and stays up very late playing Blizzard video games and writing fiction. They are working on a PhD in Environmental Studies where they think a lot about oppression as intersectional and impacting identities differentially. Talia has a particular fondness for asexuality, fandom, and Critical Animal Studies. Their personal blog is
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8 Responses to Question of the Week: July 4th, 2017.

  1. This question fits in nicely with this month’s Carnival theme!

    Anyway, I’ve been interacting with aces offline quite a bit over the past few months. In fact, this might be the most acey stretch I’ve ever had. In May, I stopped by an out-of-state meetup group while I was passing through Portland on vacation. Then, in early June, there was the regular Seattle Aces meetup. And just last week, I went to San Francisco for the Ace Unconference and to march in SF Pride. So that’s a lot of aces.

    All of that was less about finding friends and more about trying to establish some kind of real-world connections between ace groups in various places. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a networker, so I wasn’t as effective as I could have been with a different personality… But hey, at least they all know that there’s a group in Seattle now, and the Seattle group knows Portland exists, and they’ll hear all about San Francisco next month.

    I would definitely like to see more cross-group interactions. I want “Acecations” to become a thing.

    • Seth says:

      You were the guy handing out bling at the Portland meetup? Well, thanks again for the ring I took.

      I went to that meetup twice recently and marched in Pride with the same group. Also, my closest friend is coincidentally demi and recently returned to the area after graduating, which is awesome.

  2. I go to a monthly ace meet up in Atlanta. It’s about five women, and they are literally the only aces I’ve met in real life. I would love to meet more frequently. It’s so wonderful to interact with people feeling totally safe that sex will not eventually enter the dynamic and I don’t have to pretend to find movie stars hot or explain the reasons for being separated from my spouse for five years.

  3. agigabyte says:

    I’ve never, unfortunately, met another ace person in real life. It would be wonderful to, however.

  4. Jess says:

    I work at a university and know of one student (on the campus’s LGBT student committee) who is out as ace. Beyond that, I’m the only ace person I know IRL, and though I wear an ace ring, I’m not generally out other than to a few people. I definitely want to meet other aces, preferably ones who are not students (not that it’s not great that there are students, at least one that I know of, comfortably out as ace, but I don’t feel comfortable enough to be out that much at work).

    The nearest meetup group I know of meets in Boston, which for me involves about 2 hours travel each way, but I keep trying to talk myself into going to one of their monthly get-togethers, and if I can make it, I want to try to go to the one coming up this month. Because even if it’s awkward as hell, I feel like it could be really good for me, personally, to just be in more ace spaces, both on- and offline. I think it would also make meetups less awkward for me: most of the ones I’ve gone to were before realizing fully that I was ace, and there was always this undercurrent of pressure to not only find connections and try to build them out of first meetings, but also to navigate any perceived romantic/sexual interest. I feel like going to an ace meetup would alleviate pressure on multiple levels, I think, because we all would have this significant thing in common.

  5. Cracticus says:

    There’s only one nearby ace meetup group in my area that isn’t connected to a uni. They’re lucky to meet once a month. I’ve only been to one of their meetups since they’re generally on days that clash with other things, it’s a pain to get into the city from where a live and social anxiety makes finding the motivation to go hang out with a group of people I hardly know difficult.

  6. luvtheheaven says:

    7 weeks ago my queerplatonic partner broke up with me, and we haven’t been in touch since that night, which means… one “offline” relationship of mine with an asexual person went from like 100 to 0 practically overnight… šŸ˜¦

    But that being said, I’ve kicked my other friendships into even higher gear since then, and most of my closest IRL friendships these days are fellow aces I met at the Washington DC asexual meetup group. I have other friends too, and I also consider some of my online-only based friendships, especially ones formed through fandom, to be very real and social at times, and a few of those folks are ace too! Most aren’t, but still.

    Often the line between offline and online friendships is also blurred, if we say, follow each other on tumblr. Or if I only met the person twice in real life within groups where asexuality barely came up in conversation but have read all their ace related blog posts – for instance. Lol.

    But I’d say my closest offline friends right now are actually all asexual, because I spend so much time at the asexual meetup group to form these social connections? šŸ˜› Or at least I have in the past few years, and… and idk we have tons of potential meetups in this group, way more than once a month. So none of us attend all of them. I have more aces I can count as friends than I can easily count, mainly because the line between acquaintance and friend can be blurry and ever-changing, but basically I have plenty of ace company in my life. And I love it. If I were to want to move away to a different location, losing these specific friendships would hurt and I’d try to keep in touch as much as I could, but also finding a new place where I can meet more new aces would be a pretty high priority. I’m not sure I would want to go back to never knowing an ace.

    Until going to ClexaCon earlier this year, I’d never met an ace person (at least, who I knew was ace) outside of the context of my local asexual meetup group (or, I suppose, being at Pride while each of us wearing T-shirts to help point each other out to one another).

    I did meet a few gray-asexual folks and come across a bunch of aces while at that LGBTQ+ women fandom convention, but we aren’t still in touch or anything after that weekend in March. It was pretty exciting coming across aces there. Then again, it was a queer space where queerness was a focus of conversation a lot of the time, and even so I felt like if *I* hadn’t been bringing up my asexuality I never would’ve found out those few folks were ace.

  7. Victrix says:

    Given I’ve been running a monthly meetup group for over four years I quite regularly catch up with other aces. Some of these have also become part of friendships outside the meetups. Though I have been stepping back a bit from this aspect and attending less often, though part of this has been burnout and the organising group having grown and more taking up the responsibility of organising.

    I’m also fortunate that most of my extended friends network is also generally queer and includes some aces, so don’t have much of an issue interacting with other aces.

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