Question of the Week: October 18th, 2016

What topic do you think gets too little attention in ace communities?

Off the top of my head, I think there is not much attention paid to the actual logistics of finding partners who have compatible desires for a relationship.  Like, there aren’t any really successful “dating” sites.  And most discussion centers around personal feelings and desires, rather than how to assess the compatibility of two people’s desires.

Another thing I personally wish to see more of is navigating queer male spaces and politics as an ace.  Unfortunately I think the reason this doesn’t get much attention is that it’s relevant to too few people.

But these are just what I thought up off the top of my head.  Perhaps you have some better ideas.

About Siggy

Siggy is an ace activist based in the U.S. He is gay gray-A, and has a Ph.D. in physics. He has another blog where he also talks about math, philosophy, godlessness, and social criticism. His other hobbies include board games and origami.
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13 Responses to Question of the Week: October 18th, 2016

  1. Writer Ace says:

    I definitely agree with your point about the logistics. I’ve thought of that a bit since the end of my last relationship, which had started before I knew I was ace. The other thing I can think of is about how to figure out if spaces are ace-friendly and how to navigate spaces that are unknown. I’ve seen a lot about how bad it is to end up in an unfriendly space and how good it is to have a friendly one but not much about ways to tell what you’re getting yourself into or warning signs. Because I’ve gotten burned in a predominantly queer space (bizarrely by ace people) for daring to call myself queer for being ace and not also specifying that I was otherwise queer (aka) bi, and it got pretty acephobic and toxic pretty quickly.

  2. Tylerelyt says:

    This isn’t “strictly” an ace issue, more an aro issue (though I’d argue most aro issues are also ace issues), but I feel like there’s a lot more room to talk about the way people live non-partnered lives into adulthood. I’m moving into that point in my life, and knowing that I’m not going to have a long term partner (neither romantic nor a qpp) is more than a little worrying, because I don’t have a “script” to pull from to tell me what I should be looking for in order to be happy and (socially) healthy.

    • andowyn says:

      I am an ace female who is looking for an ace male life partner. I have yet to find anyplace that is “ace friendly”. They say they are, you pay & actually meet someone. Then after about 3 months(if that long) the sexual innuendos start. Explain once again thanks but no thanks. Then the photos of his junk.Due to living in an intellectual black hole area, I don’t have any actual contact with the gay community but I believe that they have/going through the same kind of mentality of ,” Oh… you’re gay(ace) so you just need to be fixed”. So, you become their project. My experience is the same today as it was when I was a teen before I knew anything about anything…”You just need to get laid”… I’m 50 & have resigned myself to being alone. I can’t even find a plain friend gay, straight or ace! I know what I bring to the table, I am not afraid to eat alone, I would prefer not. I have given up on sites too. Not going to waste my time, energy, money & peace of mind anymore. No idea what else to do about it to help the next generation of aces who are told that they are sick, broken, weird, possessed, confused…etc.Thanks.

      • yoonede says:

        I relate to the isolating experience of living in an intellectual black hole. I’m in rural North Georgia where people won’t even say the word gay (and still whisper the word “black.”) It’s truly would killing.

    • Rachel says:

      I can second that. There’s aren’t any guideposts for growing older as an adult while ace or aro. In part, I suspect, because they’re aren’t even many guideposts for perma-single adults either.

      • I’m 43 and have lived alone since my junior year in college. From a practical standpoint, you just… do it. However, I was very isolated for a long time because I had very little support for being aro ace and found it difficult to make friends with people who spent much of their time focused on their romantic relationships. Fortunately, there are more support resources available online these days.

        What I’m most interested in is the practical details of growing old without a partner, things like who will take care of you when you get sick and what the options are. I would really like to see more discussion of topics like this.

        • yoonede says:

          Oh definitely! The growing old without a partner or children thing terrifies me.

        • Hollis says:

          But this is also an issue for anyone who is disabled and can’t live alone. I can’t live alone currently due to my disabilities. I will probably NEVER be able to live alone. But so much of the ace/aro communities just…assume that living alone is easy and doable for everyone (at least until you get Old). That’s not the case, and it gets really annoying to be told that “you just do it” because no, you don’t. I would like to see discussions of how to live with a community that’s not a partner in general, and not as a function of “what will I do when I’m old”. Because yeah, growing old alone sounds scary? Being disabled and alone is my present and future and it is scary and it can and does trap you in shitty environments. I’d like for there to be other options open for me and others.

          • elainexe says:

            I second this. I haven’t been able to do much in life due to mental illness. I live with my parents now, but that’s not a permanent plan. The only long-term option I know of is getting (straight) married, probably to an allosexual guy. And I wish I could think of other options. I wish you the best Hollis, now and in the future.

          • I’m sorry for making a flippant remark in my earlier response (and that I didn’t see this comment until now). What I was trying to convey is that if you are already able to live on your own and your circumstances remain similar, then you should be able to continue doing so. The challenges that may come up tend to be external to the fact of living alone (for instance, due to a change in your circumstances) rather that issues such as conflicts with living partners. Again I am sorry for being thoughtless and insensitive in my response.

  3. Nowhere Girl says:

    Some aces – at least those who would prefer to have a partner, but are on the sex-averse side and would rather spend their lives alone than be in a sexual relationship – may be very inexperienced for their age. I’d like to have a girlfriend, but I’m a 35-year-old who has NEVER been in a relationship and I think it scares potential partners off. So I could say thay yes, I don’t even know how does one start a relationship. Plus – I know what I’d prefer, but after 35 years of never being a relationship, being a single child, being a not very fit child who preferred playing indoors, being a very early reader who already at the age of 7 or 8 was happy to spend time alone – I just have tons of habits I couldn’t easily get rid of.

  4. I would echo many of the above sentiments! The practical details, whether of finding a compatible partner or going it alone, can seem daunting at times. For the moment I’m in the sort of artificial community set-up of graduate school, so my social needs are largely getting met, but I wonder about the future.

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