Living gay (and ace)

This post was written for the Carnival of Aces this month, which is about “Living Asexuality“.  Upon seeing the discussions about growing old single, I want to share my very different experience, about being able to blend in.

Recently, there was a very short documentary entitled “I’m Graysexual” (NSFW), featuring a man about my age, and using the same identity as I do: gay and greysexual.  He does nothing more than briefly explain his personal experience, which is somewhat different from my own, and as I said, it’s very short.

What was particularly significant to me was not what was said, but what was unsaid.  Specifically, the documentarian chose a stream of clips that imply close interaction with urban gay culture.  He walks around what appears to be West Hollywood (the gay neighborhood in Los Angeles).  He hangs out at gay nightclubs, watching go-go boys.  He looks quizzically at packaged dildos, racks of porn videos, Grindr.  This is all incredibly familiar to me.

I often feel like I’m the only ace who interacts with that kind of gay male culture.  This is not surprising: this is only one of many gay cultures, the ace community is dominated by women, and not all ace men are homoromantic, gay, or bi.  But even among those in the right demographics, I often hear that ace men simply aren’t willing to put up with it.

That, too, is not surprising, and can be explained in one word:  S-E-X.  I don’t need to explain the stereotype, you already know it.

Gay culture… is not really what I would have created if I were dictator.  But because of my disposition, I find it tolerable.  I even find benefits to it, since a space where people openly talk about sex gives an opening to talk about asexuality.

And to be honest, I’d take it over straight culture any day.  Straight people are space aliens.  They think that the only way to proceed in life is to get married and have children.  They think men should have initiative, and women should just be receptive.  I don’t understand it, and I feel sorry for all the people who have to live in it, particularly the non-straight people.  Other people have lamented a lack of older single role models, so I should mention I’ve known plenty of older gay bachelors.  I’m in a stable relationship so I’m not going in that direction personally, but it wouldn’t feel odd to me if I did.

So here I am, choosing to deal with a very sexual culture, rather than dealing with that other heteronormative one.  I’ve been to gay nightclubs packed full of sweaty men.  I’ve had awkward encounters with rice queens, and then befriended them because what else are you going to do?  I’ve wandered the Castro many times, where inexplicably the best place to get beer is the wine bar.  And I’ve sat through a million conversations about Grindr (a popular hookup app), and seen a million more online articles about it, from the many online gay websites that are basically like teen girl magazines, except for older gay men.  People argue back and forth about Grindr the same way that they argue back and forth about looking at smartphones during social outings.  It’s the same argument, really, because what else do you use a smartphone for, amirite?

I spend a lot of space talking about Grindr, because that represents the amount of attention it gets in reality.  Eh, it’s more amusing than talking about sportsball, another aspect of space alien culture I don’t miss.

In gay culture, I blend in fairly well.  Acquaintances assume I’m gay until otherwise noted.  It eventually becomes otherwise noted, as I haphazardly come out to people as ace.  At that point I become an oddity, that one asexual guy that people know.  They’re puzzled how that works, why I’m bothering to be here, and what I do with my boyfriend, but they rarely ask such questions directly.  I wonder if this is how bisexual men feel.

If there’s one advantage of heteronormative straight culture vs hypersexual gay culture, it’s that heternormativity can be opposed.  Sexual culture cannot be opposed, because at least superficially, it has some decent justifications.  There is an ongoing discussion about the level of sexuality in gay culture, but it’s not a discussion that aces play any role in.  The discussion is about Grindr, about hookup culture, and about assimilationism vs liberationism.

I don’t give a shit about assimilating, but I would like it if there were more public concern about sexual assault, or even the social capital placed on sexual desirability and ability.  Sadly, such concerns are more typical among feminists, who are typically women.  I will be waiting for a long time for the gay male feminist revolution.

So that’s the social life I have, and it’s okay.  There are some problems, but nobody is pressuring me to follow a fixed life trajectory.  Dropping heteronormativity is great, I recommend it.

About Siggy

Siggy is a physics grad student in the U.S. He is gay gray-A, and makes amateur attempts at asexual activism. His interests include godlessness, scientific skepticism, and math. While not working or blogging, he plays video and board games with his boyfriend, and folds colored squares.
This entry was posted in Articles, Gray-A, Intersectionality, LGBT, personal experience. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Living gay (and ace)

  1. Oddly enough, I feel like I can relate. I’ve wondered why I feel more comfortable in the overtly sexual gay and bi spaces than heterosexual ones, but like you said a lot of straight culture just seems really alien and restrictive even if it isn’t as sexual. So in terms of comfort my preferred spaces (and as a result what I tend to present as) seems to go, in order from most preferred to least: ace > bi > gay > straight.

    Since ace and bi are often not options (especially as I get in to more political crowds), I’m finding myself in a lot more gay spaces now (amusingly, with a large amount of bi people who feel the same). And I’m comfortable enough with that where I’ve started having people tell me I can’t be ace because I participate and hang out in such sexual crowds! I don’t think people understand that I still find that more accepting than heterosexual culture.

  2. Jo says:

    Aargh, I had this whole comment typed out and then I accidentally hit a link and it was all gone.

    First of all, thanks for posting Siggy! It’s really interesting to see how different ace experiences can be, and that’s one of the things I was really hoping the carnival theme would encourage people to write about, so it makes me happy.

    I think I feel much the same way as you (and captainheartless above). I still feel more at home in queer spaces and around queer people than in heteronormative spaces. While I wouldn’t say that all hetero people think that marriage and kids is the only way to do life, it’s certainly a really significant trend that you can’t really escape from. Given the choice between sometimes overly sex-focused queer spaces and hetero spaces, I’d go for the first option. I’ve also found that there’s just a bit more openness almost as a default in the queer community, a bit more willingness to explore different ways of living – even if they are all inevitably partner-based in the end.

    Being a student at the moment, I’m lucky enough to have a pretty great social circle that is quite open and has a high ratio of queer to straight people. But next year? I’ll be working full time in a grad position, and I have quite a strong feeling that it’s going to be different there. I’m not sure whether that’s an aspect I’m looking forward to. I guess I’ll see.

    • Siggy says:

      It would certainly be different for you than it is for me. Gay male social spaces are… really not at all like lesbian social spaces. There’s also a huge difference between activist and social spaces. If you liked queer activism, you’re likely to think most of the people in the social spaces are painfully un-progressive, even if in absolute terms they’re pretty liberal.

      • Jo says:

        Actually, that’s a good point, most of my circles are a mix of activist and uni-based social, so probably not entirely representative of the normal gay social sphere.

  3. Sciatrix says:

    And to be honest, I’d take it over straight culture any day. Straight people are space aliens. They think that the only way to proceed in life is to get married and have children. They think men should have initiative, and women should just be receptive. I don’t understand it, and I feel sorry for all the people who have to live in it, particularly the non-straight people.

    This this this this this! The older I get the more sincerely confused and weirded out I get when I hang out with most of the straight people I know. It all just seems so… constricting. Mind, I tend to seek out communities full of bi/pan women instead if I can’t hang out with ace-spectrum people, and that tends to have a very different flavor again.

  4. Pingback: Carnival of Aces: September 2015 | A life unexamined

  5. Pingback: Asexuality and Culture « Asexuality in A Sexual World

  6. Pingback: Ace Community Issues Linkspam | The Ace Theist

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