Question of the Week: August 4th, 2015

Do you (or would you, if given the option) list yourself as ace on social networking or dating websites? 

I’ve been an out asexual for years and yet when I filled out my profile on Okcupid I hesitated on the sexual orientation section. My profile says over and over again that I’m just looking for friends, but what would it mean to declare myself asexual there? The question really stuck with me when I found my first other asexual on the site and their profile said something like “I’m asexual, which means I don’t have sex.” I opted for the more ambiguous option of queer. Since then I’ve been messaged by straight, queer, bi, pan, and lesbian identified people, but no other aces.

As a teen on Vampirefreaks I picked asexual in a flurry of excitement. I couldn’t believe it was an option. Every now and then would get messages from fellow aces.

On Facebook you can only pick interested in women and/or men. That’s confusing because I was able to pick the gender none and pronoun they. I opted out of the section and even though I’d like to think it means I’m not interested in anyone, most people probably assume I just didn’t fill it out.

I’ve noticed that the sexual orientation I declare on my profile is strategic and context specific, much like offline. What about you?

About Talia

Talia is an asexual, nonbinary, vegan-feminist that drinks a lot of coffee and stays up very late playing Blizzard video games and writing fiction. They are working on a PhD in Environmental Studies where they think a lot about oppression as intersectional and impacting identities differentially. Talia has a particular fondness for asexuality, fandom, and Critical Animal Studies. Their personal blog is
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8 Responses to Question of the Week: August 4th, 2015

  1. asexyanon says:

    I’ve been thinking about that, I feel like I would list myself as that on social networking sites. I’m aromantic as well so the prospect of “missing out” on a potential date because of a listed sexual orientation wouldn’t bother me that much since I’m truly looking for a friendship companionship.

  2. queenieofaces says:

    Unless I’m using a pseudonym, I leave the sexual orientation space blank. This is mostly so that research contacts can’t Google my name and be like, “…wait, what’s this about you being asexual? Gross, get away.” So, needless to say, I have never used dating sites, and social media sites that are under my legal name have pretty much zero personal information on them.

  3. Most of my active online presence doesn’t use my full name; I have some social media profiles that use my full name or are linked to sites that do. Those are mostly there in case somebody wants to Google me. I probably wouldn’t list asexuality with any of those accounts, or not in a prominent way. On Facebook, I left the question about which gender I’m interested in blank since there’s no “none” option.

    For other social media accounts, which are not easily linked to my full name, I would like to have the option to list asexual.

    I’m not interested in nor a member of any dating websites, nor do I plan to be. I’m aware some people use them for finding friends, but I would prefer to use other methods.

  4. luvtheheaven says:

    When I thought I wanted to date as an asexual, I wasn’t listed under my real name on OkCupid and had deleted my Plenty of Fish profile… it was before OkCupid added asexual as an option but I manually wrote it in. I definitely wanted people to know. Part of what helped me shift to the more aromantic side of things is realizing when heterosexual guys said they wanted to date me despite my asexuality I still felt no interest. I have other ways of meeting friends and meeting asexual people, if I want that.

    On Facebook, as soon as there is an asexual or “interested in: none” option I likely will check it. But there is a part of me that is nervous about any potential employer seeing my full name associated with that sexual orientation and it influencing anything important to my livelihood so maybe not. Similarly, I’m a very out atheist but sharing it publicly on Facebook makes me nervous because I don’t want it to hurt that aspect of my life. So I try to be as private as I can about that stuff when it’s associated with my full name.

  5. Kasey Weird says:

    I pretty consistently explicitly identify as demisexual where there is space to do so – on OKCupid I selected both demisexual and queer which covers all my bases.

  6. Sciatrix says:

    I try to be fairly careful about not connecting my full name and my online identity, because I don’t want work contacts googling me and coming up with asexuality. I’m much more lax with internet contacts (including ace contacts online).

    I have a reasonably unusual full name which I share with two other people in the world, and of those I seem to be the one with easily the largest online footprint under that name. I also work in a pretty small field at the moment with little room for anonymity. So I’m conscious of how visible I am.

  7. demiandproud says:

    I’m procrastinating exactly because I’ve not made a choice one way or another yet. I’m still wondering wether I should specify my sexuality or only make it clear I’m mostly looking for long term (I.e. the relationship I want to have) Being a Christian, I have an excuse if asked why I want to wait to have sex, even if my sexuality is by far the most important factor.

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