While with most people I know, crushes are almost overwhelmingly positive, crushes for me come with a mixture of emotions. There’s the usual excitement; that I’ve met a person who I think is pretty hip and I enjoy being around and want to hold hands with. There’s the just general joy I have with being around said person. But then come the secondary emotions. The doubting. The fear. First, I wonder what this means for me as an asexual. What am I feeling? Am I feeling (gasp) SEXUAL ATTRACTION? The answer is inevitably no, though this comes after a bit of agonizing thought and emotion dissection. Then, there’s a fear. If, by some awesome chance, this cool person actually likes me back, what are the implications of that? Are they allosexual? How will they feel about me being ace? What would be expectations of our relationship?
These thoughts haunt me so much, that I end up psyching myself out of liking them. Who wants to have those kinds of questions and conversations just when they are getting to know someone?
“Oh! I don’t know if you even like me, but if we were to have a possible future relationship, would sex be involved? I need to know before I start liking you more. “
While I’m a huge advocate for open communication, this seems a bit extreme. So, instead, I end up convincing myself that the relationship probably wouldn’t work anyways and eventually falling out of ‘crushdom’ with them. What’s the point of liking someone if they are eventually going to have expectations of our relationship that I’m not sure I’d be able to fulfill?
I recently developed a crush on someone new, and with this new crush, this usual barrage of emotions came. The excitement, yes, but the fear and doubt as well. In addition to the primary questioning of whether or not they like me back, there’s also the fear of the expectations they may or may not have, and whether their sexuality will mesh with my own well.
But I’ve come to realize that this is falling into several traps. Even if they are allosexual, who’s to say that they won’t want to be in a non-sexual relationship? And even if they are not ok with a non-sexual relationship, not all relationships are going to be forever. Maybe not even one! But that’s ok. The point of a relationship shouldn’t be some mythical ‘endgame’, but enjoying that person’s company and building a relationship together.
So, for now, I’m just going to push the thoughts of ‘will this work out weeks/months/years down the line’ and focus on what I’m feeling now; that I like this person and I enjoy spending time with them and maybe if they like me too, we can have a wonderful time together. Whether that time lasts for a short or long time doesn’t really depend on our orientations, but on how we treat each other. And if it lasts for a short time, well that’s ok. And if it lasts for a long time? Even better! As long as we are both appreciating each other’s company, why worry about anything more?