On Having a Crush and Being Asexual

While with most people I know, crushes are almost overwhelmingly positive, crushes for me come with a mixture of emotions. There’s the usual excitement; that I’ve met a person who I think is pretty hip and I enjoy being around and want to hold hands with. There’s the just general joy I have with being around said person. But then come the secondary emotions. The doubting. The fear. First, I wonder what this means for me as an asexual. What am I feeling? Am I feeling (gasp) SEXUAL ATTRACTION? The answer is inevitably no, though this comes after a bit of agonizing thought and emotion dissection.  Then, there’s a fear. If, by some awesome chance, this cool person actually likes me back, what are the implications of that? Are they allosexual? How will they feel about me being ace? What would be expectations of our relationship?

These thoughts haunt me so much, that I end up psyching myself out of liking them. Who wants to have those kinds of questions and conversations just when they are getting to know someone?

“Oh! I don’t know if you even like me, but if we were to have a possible future relationship, would sex be involved? I need to know before I start liking you more. “

While I’m a huge advocate for open communication, this seems a bit extreme. So, instead, I end up convincing myself that the relationship probably wouldn’t work anyways and eventually falling out of ‘crushdom’ with them. What’s the point of liking someone if they are eventually going to have expectations of our relationship that I’m not sure I’d be able to fulfill?

I recently developed a crush on someone new, and with this new crush, this usual barrage of emotions came. The excitement, yes, but the fear and doubt as well. In addition to the primary questioning of whether or not they like me back, there’s also the fear of the expectations they may or may not have, and whether their sexuality will mesh with my own well.

But I’ve come to realize that this is falling into several traps. Even if they are allosexual, who’s to say that they won’t want to be in a non-sexual relationship? And even if they are not ok with a non-sexual relationship, not all relationships are going to be forever. Maybe not even one! But that’s ok. The point of a relationship shouldn’t be some mythical ‘endgame’, but enjoying that person’s company and building a relationship together.

So, for now, I’m just going to push the thoughts of ‘will this work out weeks/months/years down the line’ and focus on what I’m feeling now; that I like this person and I enjoy spending time with them and maybe if they like me too, we can have a wonderful time together. Whether that time lasts for a short or long time doesn’t really depend on our orientations, but on how we treat each other. And if it lasts for a short time, well that’s ok. And if it lasts for a long time? Even better! As long as we are both appreciating each other’s company, why worry about anything more?

About Annette

Annette is currently working on her undergraduate degree in Communication. She is an asexual lesbian and enjoys being involved in the queer community on her campus. This is her first foray into more serious blogging, though you can find her personal tumblr at annetterfly.tumblr.com. When not particularly busy, Annette enjoys learning, hanging out with her friends, and making videos of stick bugs dancing to sick beats. She is not nearly as un-hip as this biography suggests.
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11 Responses to On Having a Crush and Being Asexual

  1. “Oh! I don’t know if you even like me, but if we were to have a possible future relationship, would sex be involved? I need to know before I start liking you more. “

    I actually ask something similar pertaining to poly. I mean, not after knowing someone for a week or two, but after a month or two for sure. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker either way, but I need to know before I start imagining them as a partner, and they need to know where they stand too.
    I think there’s nothing terribly wrong with discussing potential things. If you like each other a lot, it usually isn’t even a problem. Though I do like your idea of just enjoying the relationship now, you’re going to have to have that conversation sooner or later – I prefer sooner.

  2. Siggy says:

    While with most people I know, crushes are almost overwhelmingly positive, crushes for me come with a mixture of emotions.
    My experience is different. Mostly I hear about friends’ crushes when they’re complaining about them or talking about related drama. Makes me feel better about my life without crushes.

    The point of a relationship shouldn’t be some mythical ‘endgame’, but enjoying that person’s company and building a relationship together.
    Speak for yourself! I don’t like short-lived romantic relationships because it’s a lot of work to start one, and breakups only get more devastating as the relationship goes on. If I was sure a relationship would end several months down the line, I would end it immediately. It sounds like we have very different relationships styles.

  3. For me, because I’m asexual and because the general definition for crushes includes some sexual attraction or desire, it was hard for me to even start to identify if I had a crush (as opposed to a non-romantic squish). You mentioned wondering if your crushes were sexual attraction — for me, I wondered if I could have a crush without sexual attraction. Did you ever have that issue?

  4. cadetcadi says:

    “What am I feeling? Am I feeling (gasp) SEXUAL ATTRACTION?”

    ^This… is possibly top of my “frustrating things I think when I go through one of those [all too frequent] phases of fretting about sexual identity” list.

    I’ve long since decided to put the “wait so what *exactly* is my orientation” thoughts aside, along with the “wait is this going to work for xyz time”, and run with a lot more… what happens happens kind of attitude. But sometimes they come sneaking back to bug me.

  5. Jo says:

    Yeah, that wondering whether you’re feeling actual attraction is always a wierd, annoying, frustrating one. I do that every time I think I may actually be romantically attracted to someone (though I never am).

    I find the words we use to talk about things like crushes really frustrating – what I call a crush isn’t what someone else terms one. I get little crushes on people every now and then, but they’re mainly an intellectual thing. (For people like postgrads in my subject, for instance.) I’ve started having a crush on someone from finding their thesis online and spending all day reading it and grinning madly. I feel like I want to get to know them better, want to talk to them, possibly want them to think “hey, she’s cool and smart too!” – but there’s never anything romantic about it, anything sexual about it. It’s more a “oh my god I’m in love with your brain” thing. And yeah, I get excited when I’m in their company. But nothing else. So when I say to my friends (who know I’m ace but can sometimes be a bit wierd) “I have a crush on so-and-so,” there’s always that thing where I’m worried that they’re going to think the wrong thing and that I’m actually attracted to the person. And that feeling sucks, because if there’s anything I loathe/am terrified of, it’s people thinking I’m interested in them in a more than platonic way.

    • Abigail says:

      I think that’s called a squish in the Ace community. Where you like a person but just platonically and really wanna get to know them.

  6. keira oneill says:

    Reading this has made me feel so assured! I have been searching the Internet for someone going through the same situation as me and I’ve finally found it!! — Thank you!

  7. Abigail says:

    Thank you so much! This article perfectly explains what I’m going through now. It’s my first crush and I’ve been overwhelmed but all those emotions. It’s killing me. But just thank you! 😊

  8. ThatGuy says:

    So I am a allosexual and I have been devoloping a crush on my friend who is an asexual and I kind of think she may also be crushing on me and I don’t know what to do and how to act and all. And I guess I was wondering if I can get some help with that if anyone is even reading this. Just to be clear I am aware of some of the implications of being in a relationship with an asexual person but I would also like to know how you manage your relationships. For example I see that there are some people who don’t want like any physical contact but there are others who go as far as kissing, how does this work for you?

    • Siggy says:

      We see all comments, even the ones on old posts from 2012. On the other hand, we’re really not geared towards giving advice, and I’m pretty sure any advice I gave wouldn’t be very good. There are many people who will answer exactly these kinds of questions on the AVEN forums and on tumblr advice blogs, so you can try googling those things. Also see the 101 resources at the top of the page, FWIW.

      Some people like kissing and some people don’t. It’s kind of an individual thing. Same goes for many other things, so it’s hard to give any general advice beyond communication and respecting boundaries.

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